There is a phrase that strikes terror in the heart of any
parent. It’s three little words
– just three.
There is a phrase that strikes terror in the heart of any parent. It’s three little words – just three. But say those words to a parent and you will see fear in their eyes. They may scream. They may cry. Some will instantly turn into blubbering idiots. And what are those three words of horror?
Some assembly required.
You see, when a toy box says “some assembly required,” it doesn’t mean that you might have to spend 10 minutes or so putting together a plastic castle complete with knights and a moat. No, it means you need a degree in architecture, an entire tool kit scaled to the castle proportions and the ability to read and understand 392 pages of instructions written in Sanskrit.
And that’s just to get the castle parts out of the box.
Now there are people – men – who believe that they don’t need the instructions. No, they will run around, beat their chests and yell “Instructions? I don’t need no stinking instructions!” Then, they will dump the 1,528 castle pieces in a pile on the floor and proceed to assemble something that looks like a cross between an Easy Bake Oven and a Labrador Retriever – but which in no way resembles a castle.
Women, on the other hand, love to read instructions. We don’t actually want to assemble the stupid castle, but we want to tell the man making the castle exactly how to do it. This doesn’t endear us to the man who is putting the castle together. In fact, castle assembly arguments are the leading cause of divorce in this country.
Occasionally, more than one man will attempt to build the castle. This is very, very bad. For some reason, men see castle assembly as a challenge. They must win against the castle, no matter what. And if another man steps in to help with the castle, it becomes an even bigger challenge. The first guy is no longer just battling a castle with 1,528 pieces; he’s also battling his best friend who just had to stick his nose into the castle assembly process. Soon, the battle escalates into a full-blown testosterone war, and a challenge is issued.
Man 1: I can build that castle in two hours.
Man 2: I can build that castle in an hour.
Man 1: I can build that castle in 15 minutes, without once glancing at the instructions.
Man 2: Build that castle!
And that is how the drawbridge ends up on the wrong side of the moat.
Once the drawbridge is fixed, the men will circle the castle, thumping their chests with pride for a job well done. Unfortunately, they aren’t finished. You see, no castle is complete without teeny, tiny decals that have to be stuck onto the castle pieces. Some of these decals are so small, they are not visible to the naked eye. You need special glasses and tweezers just to apply them.
And the decals are always either too small or too large for the castle part they need to be stuck on. Even if you are lucky enough to find a castle part and decal that are perfectly sized, the decal always ends up crooked. Or upside down. Or ripped and then painstakingly pieced back together.
About this time, one of the chest thumpers discovers that the decals are supposed to be put on before the castle is assembled. So now the entire castle has to be taken apart, decals put on and then reassembled.
Many men have failed at this point. They may try to block the pain by drinking large amounts of alcohol. Unfortunately, women will step in and try to help. They’ll mix drinks or maybe call customer service. Neither works. For one thing, customer service is only open on odd days between the hours of 1 a.m. and 1:02 a.m., Eastern Siberian Yak Time. And you should never drink and assemble. You don’t even want to imagine what the castle will look like after the assembler has a few Mai Tai’s under his belt.
So what is a parent to do? First, throw the decals away. And then don’t worry about the castle. Because once it is set up in the playroom, your kid will move the knights around and make sure the water in the moat is real. And then he’ll be bored and want to play with something else.
And, of course, that toy needs just a little assembly. Relax. Have a Mai Tai – you’ll feel better.
