Recently, someone asked me for advice on raising kids. She did
this with a straight face.
Recently, someone asked me for advice on raising kids. She did this with a straight face. I mean, anyone who knows Junior will understand that I am not one to give guidance on this subject. But, for what it’s worth, here is my repertoire of child-rearing advice.
1. Do not teach your children to speak. It sounds really cute when they are saying “Mama” and “Dada,” but eventually they learn to string a whole bunch of words in a sentence and that sentence will someday contain bad words or worse, a smart aleck response directed at you. In public.
If you really feel you must teach your children to speak, teach them in a language that you do not know.
That way you will not understand a word they say when they are insulting the dinner that took you five hours to prepare. Just make sure it is an obscure language, like ancient Greek. By doing so, you will never be embarrassed by a child who asks why the lady next to you has a big butt or wears curlers to Costco. Trust me. This will work. Unless, of course, the big butt, curler-wearing lady is a professor of ancient Greek. Then you are on your own.
2. Believe that your children will be potty trained, but understand that it won’t happen until they outgrow the largest size of Pampers. Mothers-in-law love to perpetuate the myth that your husband was born and potty trained that very same day, but remember THIS IS A MYTH. There is no basis in fact for this story.
3. Remember that the size, consistency and frequency of your child’s bowel movements are of delightful interest only to you. The rest of us are grossed out when you discuss it.
4. Children love routine and establish routines quickly. The next time you are at Wal-Mart and buy a toy for your child, remember you have just established a routine. That means each consecutive trip to Wal-Mart will begin and end with begging, tears, and tantrums if your child does not get another toy.
5. Children hate routine and will not establish a sleep routine until you pull all your hair out and your eyes bulge out of your head from lack of sleep. Once this is accomplished, your little darling will begin sleeping through the night until adolescence. Then they will keep you up all night worrying when you find they sneaked out of the house.
6. No matter how well you plan, you will never have enough saved for college. When Junior was 18 months old, we set up his college fund. The first question from the financial guy was where we thought Junior would go to college. At the time, Junior’s skills were throwing food, jumping off the coffee table and pulling the dog’s ears. Based on that, we decided Junior would attend Clown College, junior college or Princeton. We decided to save for junior college and buy a new car instead. Hey, if he’s smart enough for Princeton, he’s smart enough to get a scholarship.
7. Do not teach your child to drive. Remember back when you were 16, had a driver’s license, a car and raging hormones? Scary, isn’t it?
8. Understand that no matter how great a parent you are, your child’s therapist will blame you for something. Personally, I keep copies of this column so that all Junior will have to do is someday show them to the therapist and say “See? It’s my mom’s fault.” This will also save him the trouble of finding a therapist fluent in ancient Greek.
