My dog is running for governor.
My dog is running for governor.
Yes, Carnie is a canine. And yes, the other candidates do seem to be human – but we won’t really know for certain until the ads start to run, will we? And anyway, who will notice one little dog amongst the 140 or so candidates in the running now?
Besides, Carnie will make a wonderful governor. Look, she doesn’t have much actual experience and she’s never been in politics. Heck, she’s never even been to Sacramento before. But she’s had 14 years of manipulating an entire family into jumping up and opening the door when she whines in front of it, so I think she would handle the legislature just fine. And if not – well, let’s just say she’s got a nice, healthy set of sharp teeth.
Of course, she has obstacles to overcome. What candidate doesn’t? I know that when the press gets wind of her addiction to Junior’s socks, it’s going to get messy. When stories leak about her roaming the house at night, dumping over hampers in search of her next fix, it could cause a scandal.
And I don’t know if she’ll be nice to cats – even if it costs her the election. But maybe if the cats form a special interest group and slip Carnie some dog biscuits – the nice expensive ones that are soft and chewy and get crumbs all over the carpet – perhaps they have a chance of not being banished once Carnie comes into power.
I don’t think Carnie will be having any state dinners, either. She can’t eat table food – it upsets her delicate stomach. And her table manners leave a lot to be desired. She wolfs down her food and never wipes her paws after eating. Plus, I think she’s more comfortable eating standing up.
Her lack of formal education may be a hindrance. She’s never even seen the inside of an obedience school. But I think we can overcome that little problem. I mean, who wants a Governor that sits and stays on command?
Don’t we want one that knows her own mind and doesn’t listen to someone calling his or herself “master?”
Of course, there are advantages to electing Carnie, too. She will save the taxpayers of this state millions of dollars each year. For instance, she doesn’t need a security detail posted at the governor’s mansion. She barks her head off the minute someone steps foot on the front lawn – so we don’t need any armed guards or anything around her. And really, she doesn’t need a big, old governor’s mansion. Give her a lawn and a doggie bed by the fireplace and she’s happy anywhere.
Carnie will never, ever bore taxpayers and the legislature with long speeches. She’s got a simple system. One bark for no, two barks for yes and three barks for veto. So no more boring State of the State addresses that pre-empt your favorite game show. Yep, during Carnie’s reign as governor, we will always get to watch “Wheel of Fortune” in its entirety.
I have to admit, I’m not sure what she stands for. Oh, sure she’s into PETA and the SPCA. But her stand on education is a mystery – although she’s probably for it since it gets Junior out of the house and gives her some peace and quiet. But it’s really about slogans, right? Those nasty old issues can be avoided until she’s in office.
For now, she’s got her campaign slogan – “Vote for Carnie. She’s all bark and ALL bite.” That should get her elected. Or at least get the legislature running scared.
