Within the last few days we have begun to see reports from Iraq,
created and spread by the vicious, liberal-biased, Bush-hating,
anti-American, Hollywood-inspired,
insufficiently-supportive-of-our-troops, Godless, naughty poopheads
in the media indicating that the heroes’ welcome we were promised
with the roses and the tears of gratitude and the mass conversions
from Islam to Southern Baptist in awestruck appreciation for our
selfless act of superhuman nobility in liberating their country is
rapidly coming to an end.
Within the last few days we have begun to see reports from Iraq, created and spread by the vicious, liberal-biased, Bush-hating, anti-American, Hollywood-inspired, insufficiently-supportive-of-our-troops, Godless, naughty poopheads in the media indicating that the heroes’ welcome we were promised with the roses and the tears of gratitude and the mass conversions from Islam to Southern Baptist in awestruck appreciation for our selfless act of superhuman nobility in liberating their country is rapidly coming to an end. This is of course impossible, and strengthens the argument that a massive contingent of American forces should immediately invade the Manhattan apartment of Dan Rather to see if he has any weapons of mass destruction. I’m betting he’s got some highly-refined hairspray in there that in the wrong hands could reduce Rockefeller Center to a smoldering pile of immaculately-coifed rubble.
In these cleverly-doctored videotapes in which Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins are made up to look like Iraqi clerics exhorting large crowds of paid extras in Burbank made up to look like Baghdad, speeches are translated to say things like, “You Americans have your boot on our necks now, but get out before we throw you out.” Other so-called “holy men” (who look to me suspiciously like Ed Asner and Jane Fonda in oversized Bel Air Hotel bathrobes) reputedly refer to Operation Iraqi Liberation (acronym: OIL) as “the occupation of our country.” I mean, is this transparently a liberal plot or what?
Fortunately, the Bush Administration’s Justice Department, under the direction of Viceregent Ashcroft (their motto: “Freedom of speech means you’re free to speak and we’re free to punish you for it”), has provided a corrected translation which expresses the Iraqis’ true sentiments: “You Americans have lovely boots – they are so darned stylish. Where did you get those boots? Is there, like, an outlet where we could get ourselves some of those boots, you know, knock-offs maybe from Hong Kong, because we don’t have much money right now. Saddam has been a big pain in our necks, but we are just happy as all get-out that you American infidels – and you may not know it, but ‘infidel’ is a term of endearment – are here to show us the way to a new system of multi-party democracy featuring a huge, wildly popular Republican party and a tiny, miserable Democratic party which no one will like or vote for, like you tell us you have in your country. We are looking forward to throwing you out some ideas we have, such as maybe becoming your 52nd state, the one right after Britain. Perhaps also – this is just a fond hope – you will allow us to sell you a great deal of our oil for next to nothing; it’s the least we can do.”
There’s an old saying: “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” There’s a less-old saying: “When my enemy is gone, I may quickly decide to re-evaluate my friendships.” The second one of course represents the kind of poisonous liberal thinking that could claim the Iraqis are complaining about “the occupation of our country” when they really said “We hope you will now send your armies all over the world smashing evil and creating American satrapies everywhere; in fact, we hope it will become your occupation, like you did in our country.”
Freedom of translation will trump freedom of speech every time.
