Well, it’s mid-January and I figure that everyone has had time
to write and break their News Year’s Resolutions. Personally, I
have upheld last year’s resolution
– which was not to make any more resolutions.
Well, it’s mid-January and I figure that everyone has had time to write and break their News Year’s Resolutions. Personally, I have upheld last year’s resolution – which was not to make any more resolutions.
So this year I am making predictions. You know, like those psychics in the tabloids. Only I’m not psychic and I’ve never actually been in a tabloid. I have purchased one or two – but only in the interests of research. I mean, who could resist finding out what Bat Boy’s alien girlfriend bought him for Christmas? I certainly couldn’t.
But, without further ado (and talk of Bat Boy), here are my predictions for 2004 and beyond.
1) I predict that we will all talk about Mars an awful lot this year. And I predict that we will soon send a group of heroic female astronauts to Mars just so we can answer the question we’ve all been debating – are men really from Mars and are any of them single?
2) I predict that sometime this year Junior will talk back to me and end up in the timeout chair. In fact, I predict that will happen sometime this week, possibly even today.
3) I predict that Junior will continue this endless cycle of back talking and time-out chair sitting until the day he leaves for college. In fact, this cycle will continue until Junior has children of his own and they begin to talk back to him. Then I predict that Junior will come to me and apologize. And if he doesn’t, he’ll be sitting in the timeout chair – even if he’s 40.
4) I predict that at least once during the year, some famous person will have another sex tape appear on the Internet. And we normal, un-famous, un-taped people will try to answer the eternal question, “What the heck was she thinking? You never wear thong undies with a bustier.”
5) I predict that by March, I will have started and stopped at least three new diets. I further predict that one of those diets will involve carb counting and excessive consumption of meat and pork rinds. And both will gross me out.
6) I predict that I will, at some point before June, buy a new bathing suit. I further predict that in the dressing room there will be much hand wringing, teeth gnashing and wishing that I had lost 20 or so pounds back in January – even if I had to eat pork rinds. I also predict that somewhere on the label for my new swimsuit will be the words “miracle” and “look like you lost 10 pounds instantly!”
7) I predict that television will score yet another ratings bonanza and further dumb down American TV viewers with the instant hit “Joe Millionaire Marries Jane Bachelorette in a Multi-Million Dollar Wedding with Far Too Many Roses and Genuine, Fake Tears.”
8) I predict that the biggest ratings of 2004 will be for the hit show, “Divorce Court: Starring Joe and Jane Millionaire.”
9) I predict that Michael Jackson will change the name of his ranch from “Neverland” to “I Never Did it Land” in an effort to get positive PR and finally sell some CD’s so he can pay his lawyer.
10) I predict that all my predictions will come true. Especially number 6.
Oh, and if you are still wondering about Bat Boy and his alien sweetie – she got him a new cave. I hear it has high-speed Internet access and a video camera. I think prediction 4 will come true sooner than we want, don’t you?
