Summer of a presidential election year: we’ve seen it all
before
– the sniping between the contenders, the charges and
counter-charges, the scandals the media seem to predictably uncover
at the most inopportune times, the cries of unfairness, the
heart-warming stories that always seem a little too good to be
true.
Summer of a presidential election year: we’ve seen it all before – the sniping between the contenders, the charges and counter-charges, the scandals the media seem to predictably uncover at the most inopportune times, the cries of unfairness, the heart-warming stories that always seem a little too good to be true.
You didn’t think I was talking about the whine-and-lie-fest we euphemize as a political campaign, did you? Of course not; I’m talking about the Games of the Some-Impressive-Number Olympiad, as the TV people will be announcing in pseudo-heroic voices while trumpets play a fanfare in the background which after about a week of constant repetition will start to cause worldwide nightmares. “It was awful, doctor; I died and went to hell and when I got there they welcomed me with this trumpet fanfare and they kept playing it every five minutes for eternity….”
The Olympic Games: the ultimate peaceful gathering of the human race, where athletes we never heard of representing countries we couldn’t find on a map earnestly compete in sports we didn’t know existed, all in hopes of making a good impression on us so we’ll support sending troops there when they need us. “Well, Jim, this is certainly the most colorful Parade of the Athletes we’ve ever seen at an opening ceremony. Look, here comes the three-person contingent from Smurfistan, two Greco-Norwegian wrestlers and a skeet-archer, and look, in place of the country’s flag they’re carrying a sign; it says, ‘We have oil’. We’ll be watching them closely as these (change to deep voice with a hint of echo) Games of the Some-Impressive-Number Olympiad (kill deep voice, cue fanfare) continue. And now these words from a God-awful number of sponsors…. ”
And then we’ll get to see just how many Official Things of the Olympics the mind of man can devise here at the dawn of the twenty-first century. “….brought to you by WeasleTech, maker of the Official Electric Ferret-fluffer of the (deep voice) Games of the Some-Impressive-Number Olympiad (fanfare). Remember, if you‚re fluffing your ferret with any other brand, you‚re a Nimrod and everybody hates you.”
There will, however, be some changes at these (deep voice) yadayadayada Olympiad (fanfare; the weak-willed begin to go mad). For example, in the original Games all the athletes were naked; in these games all the spectators will be, because that’s the only way to get through the security checkpoints. On the upside, sales of the Official Sunscreen of the Olympics are expected to absolutely skyrocket.
Also, there is a 10-hour time difference between Athens and the west coast, so in certain cases we here in California may actually learn which competitors failed the post-competition drug tests before we see the events from which the winners were subsequently disqualified. With the new doping rules under which not only all performance-enhancing drugs and prescription medications but also most forms of nutrition, cosmetics and hair care products are banned, they may have to go rather far down the list of finishers in a given event to find someone to whom they can in clear conscience award a medal.
This could be very good news for Smurfistan, which may finally take its place as a significant Olympic power and redeem the fortunes of its Olympic Committee after the disastrous 2000 Games in which their highly-touted rhythmic karate team failed to make the finals.
I for one can’t wait for them to start. If only they would last until November, completely monopolizing the airwaves, we could ignore that other thing we get every four years.
