In yet another exciting example of A Hundred More Years of
Advancing Technology and We’ll All Be Living in Caves, a new
product has appeared on the market to allow us to alter reality to
suit our needs, our sensitivities, and soon, our whims.
In yet another exciting example of A Hundred More Years of Advancing Technology and We’ll All Be Living in Caves, a new product has appeared on the market to allow us to alter reality to suit our needs, our sensitivities, and soon, our whims.
Have you seen it? It’s called the TVGuardian, and it attaches to your TV/VCR/DVD system. It listens to what you’re watching, and if it detects any of more than 150 “objectionable words and phrases” it instantly mutes the volume before anyone can be stricken with verbally-transmitted cooties, and substitutes a “G-rated replacement” as closed-caption text on the screen. That last part is the real biggie: it doesn’t just block language so you lose the dialogue – it REPLACES it with words and phrases the machine thinks you should receive instead.
The potential for this product is immense. First of all, just reading the G-rated substitutes for what you know is going to be censored is probably worth the hundred-dollar price tag. I mean, just think of what this blue-nose-in-a-box must be programmed to filter out, and then think about what it’s going to provide in the way of sanitary synonyms. The Sopranos could end up with an Emmy for Best Unintentional Comedy. Can you imagine the TVGuardian version of one of Tony Soprano’s earthy outbursts? “That lousy (person who expresses affection for his mom in an unconventional way)! I’ll kick his (part of the body a person sits on) all the way back to wherever the (physical behavior between persons of opposite gender and never before marriage) he came from! If he (persons attempting to procreate) thinks he can pull that (byproduct of cattle that helps your lawn to grow) on me he’s got his head (where proctologists afford their Mercedes payments)!”
But of course this first generation of TVGuardian is only the beginning. If we now have the technology to voice-recognize things we don’t want ourselves or others to hear, and to substitute whatever we want in writing, well, it’s only a short step to being able to reproduce the substituted language in the simulated voice of the original speaker. Think about it. And think about it in the context of one word: Hackers.
By the very next time George Dubya addresses the nation about his war plans some dedicated geek could have his own filter system attached to the networks’ signals: “My fellow Americans, as you know Congress recently granted me authority to (ignore the economy) if I deem it necessary to use force to institute a change of (Florida election results). Now, we all know that (throwing away the budget surplus) would be a terrible thing and that many people would lose their (401k’s), but as long as Saddam Hussein insists on violating at least 14 solemn resolutions of the United (bunch of idiots my core supporters despise) we may have no choice but to tell the brave men and women of (Enron) to prepare to (contribute heavily to my campaign for Governor of Texas). Fortunately, thanks to Operation Desert (Not Enough Storm), Saddam’s forces have been (cooking the books at Halliburton for Dick Cheney) and are now in no condition to (figure out how I made such a fantastic profit selling the Texas Rangers). Any day now our forces will be launching (John Ashcroft) into the heart of Baghdad with deadly accuracy, and my advisors tell me that our certain victory will (keep everyone from noticing I have no domestic policy).”
So don’t trust anything you see, hear, or read; persons with unknown motives may be messing with you. Our only clue will be that their language is very clean.
Robert Mitchell practices law in Morgan Hill. His column has appeared in The Dispatch for more than 20 years. It’s published every Tuesday.
