This week, the winners of the 2008 Genius Awards (given each
year by the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation) were
announced – and as usual, I wasn’t one of them. I KNOW. It’s so
shocking.
This week, the winners of the 2008 Genius Awards (given each year by the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation) were announced – and as usual, I wasn’t one of them. I KNOW. It’s so shocking. Please. What the heck have the winners done that I haven’t? Supposedly, the entrants come from all walks of life, but honestly not one of them is a stay-at-home mom, failed dieter and sometime writer. Frankly, it’s quite depressing, not to mention unfair. I mean, what makes them candidates for Genius Awards while I’m just a candidate … well … for nothing? Not even Mom of the Year. Or even Mom of the Nanosecond.
Look, one of the recipients is an artist who uses straws, paper clips and tape in her art. Give me a break. Anyone who has ever had a third-grader with a diorama project has done that. In fact, give me a roll of tape, a sharpie and a shoebox and I can help any 8-year-old create a “Flat Stanley” diorama guaranteed to get an A. (Just a hint from an apparent non-genius – use tape. If you use glue you’ll be finding rolled up, snot-like balls of Elmer’s under the couch for months.)
Another recipient is an urban farmer who delivers healthy food to poor city dwellers. Please. I’ve spent entire summers delivering snacks to PS3 junkies and basketball players. If that doesn’t qualify me for a Genius Award, what the heck will? OK, I will admit I didn’t grow the snacks myself this year – but only because I don’t yet have a veggie garden. Catch me next year when the peaches come from my tree and the tomatoes from my garden and then tell me again why I’m not a genius. Heck, I can get kids to eat veggies – willingly. Well, semi-willingly at least. But try finding a Genius Award winner who can do that without tying the kids down first. Which I don’t advocate, by the way, since it appears to be illegal in all 50 states, even if you are trying to get a toddler to eat something with nutritional value.
There’s even a sculptor on the list. I swear to you, my lack of award is killing me. Look, what mother out there has not spent long, painful days creating entire planetary systems out of Play-doh? Is there a woman among us who has not created everything from dinosaurs to the Big Dipper using only one tub of purple play-doh? And do any of us get any award for that? Of course not. Our usual award is vacuuming up the crusty pieces when we find the solar system crushed behind the dresser four years after we made it.
There’s even a physicist who studies black holes on the list. Please. I once fed a 15-month-old chili. With beans. You can imagine the black hole I found in the diaper the next day. Sure I’m no physicist, but the stuff in that diaper was a substance not found on earth. I guarantee it.
There’s also a recipient who is a music critic. Good Lord, why don’t I have an award? Ever since Junior discovered rap music, I’ve been a critic. I spend half my day yelling “Turn that @#$%^ down!” If that isn’t criticism, I don’t know what is.
There’s even a family physician on the list. Come on, people. Everyone on the planet knows that Mom is the one kissing boo-boos, applying ice to skateboard injuries and using nothing but a roll of paper towels to stop bleeding. And let’s not even get into cleaning up after the stomach flu. Hello? Talk about a family physician.
There is even an anthropologist on the list. I don’t know what to say here. Do they not understand that mothers have spent years studying the dating habits of the wild teenager and yet, sadly, not one of us has made the Genius cut?
One person missing was a mathematician. Now, I totally could have qualified as a mathematician. I mean, who better than a woman with a very old brain who is spending an entire year relearning pre-algebraic concepts while helping a 7th grader with homework? Does anyone know how hard that is?
In all, 25 people received Genius Awards for 2008. All jealousy aside, they deserved their awards. But maybe next year – just maybe – the foundation would consider a stay-at-home mom from Gilroy who can create an entire fourth-grade mission project using lasagna noodles, moss and Play-doh. Now that’s genius.
