As I talk to couples who are having marital problems, one of the
most common statements I hear is,
”
We just can’t seem get along … why do we always argue? We love
each other, but we have major blowups over minor issues.
”
As I talk to parents I’m told,
”
It seems like my relationship with my kids is filled with
tension; we always act like we’re dealing with an enemy; we argue
constantly.
”
As I talk to couples who are having marital problems, one of the most common statements I hear is, “We just can’t seem get along … why do we always argue? We love each other, but we have major blowups over minor issues.” As I talk to parents I’m told, “It seems like my relationship with my kids is filled with tension; we always act like we’re dealing with an enemy; we argue constantly.”
James addresses the issue head on, giving us both the cause and cure for arguments. He identifies the cause in verse one of chapter four: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?”
James says the cause of arguments is conflicting desires. When my wants conflict with your wants, sparks are going to fly. Suppose that when the family gathers tonight, the husband wants to relax and watch a ballgame on TV, the wife wants to spend some time talking with her husband and the kids want to have a bunch of friends over. These conflicting desires are probably going to cause some arguments.
Marriage has some built-in setups for conflict because from the beginning you’ve got two different people with two different assumptions about what’s important. If you want a good laugh, you couples think about what each of you envisioned married life would be like before you were married.
Many husbands think, “Well, I’ll come home to a clean house and a great dinner (of course my wife will work also so we can afford a comfortable lifestyle), then while she cleans the kitchen and puts the kids to bed, I can go in and catch some TV. After she’s done with all that she can bring me a snack on her way upstairs to put on a sexy nightie.”
On the other hand, many wives think, “Well, my husband will be sensitive like he was before we were married; he will stay interested in the stuff he said he loved when we were dating; he’ll bring me home flowers sometimes, whisk me off to romantic places often and always help me with the housework and kids.”
What a rude awakening we are in for! It’s been said that marriages go through three stages. Stage 1: “The Happy Honeymoon,” Stage 2: “The Party’s Over,” and Stage 3: “Let’s Make A Deal.” It is then you either learn how to avoid arguments or begin fighting.
The basic problem, according to James, is the pursuit of pleasure. Is the desire to enjoy life wrong? Absolutely not! In 1 Timothy 6:17, we are told that God “richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.”
James is not saying we shouldn’t enjoy life or that seeking pleasure is unchristian. There is nothing wrong with wanting things; God created the world for us to use. The problem comes when we go beyond using things to loving things. God created us to use things and love people, but sometimes we want to reverse this order. Invariably, when we love things we will begin to use people.
We should enjoy life, but not at the expense of our integrity or another person’s feelings. Ask yourself a tough question and give yourself an honest answer: “Am I more concerned with getting what I want than other people’s feelings? When someone gets in the way of what I want, do I get angry?”
