They say the truth is stranger than fiction. They also say the
truth is out there. And those mysterious
”
they
”
people also say that if you read enough weird news on the
Internet you’ll find something that will make you laugh so hard
that your morning coffee will come out your nose.
They say the truth is stranger than fiction. They also say the truth is out there. And those mysterious “they” people also say that if you read enough weird news on the Internet you’ll find something that will make you laugh so hard that your morning coffee will come out your nose.
And apparently, I have read enough weird news on the Internet because my coffee is all over my keyboard.
About a week ago, a doctor from Florida decided to go out on the town. Not so unusual. But, let’s say you are the single (presumably) doc. And you are picking an outfit for a night out on the town. Do you pick a designer suit? Or maybe fashionable jeans? Or do you just toss on your trusty “Captain America” outfit?
Well, it seems the good doc didn’t wear a designer suit or fashionable jeans. Nope, he went with the “Captain America” outfit. Because nothing says, “I’m fun, I’m single and I’m a doctor” like a “Captain America” costume.
I just don’t get it. If I was young and single (and Harry, this is just a “what if”) and I called my mom and told her I’d met a single doctor, she’d faint from joy. And if I told her he liked to dress up as “Captain America” she’d faint again, only this time not so much joy would be involved. I feel obligated to add here that although I didn’t marry a doctor, I also have never seen Harry dressed as “Captain America.” And my mom is just happy as heck about that.
But back to our fearless, tights-wearing doctor. Don’t you wonder about this? I mean, why “Captain America?” Why not “Spiderman?” Or even “Flash Gordon?” Unfortunately, it just gets worse. Turns out the good doctor wasn’t happy with his “Captain America” suit. It needed something more. Something different. Something like a burrito stuffed in his tights. I swear to you, if I were making this up, it wouldn’t be nearly as weird.
Look, how on earth does a person decide to put a burrito down his pants … er, tights? Did he stand in front of the mirror, admiring his shiny red, white and blue outfit and think to himself, “Hmmm, this isn’t quite right. You know what this outfit needs? This outfit needs a burrito.” And where did he get the burrito? Was it frozen? I’m no expert on burrito placement, but wouldn’t that be uncomfortable? And I can’t even imagine how a freshly made, hot burrito would have felt.
And let’s discuss smell. I mean, come on. You’re in a bar and a guy walks by dressed in tights and smelling like something off of the value menu at Taco Bell. I don’t know about you, but even my allergy-impaired nose could tell that the guy didn’t smell like men’s cologne.
And yet, do you, a single and presumably sane woman, a) walk right up to him and buy him a margarita; b) hold your nose, ignore him and instead go after the guy who walked in right after him dressed as “Batman” and smelling like a Big Mac; or c) tap him on the shoulder and say the pickup line you’ve been dying to use your entire life, “Is that a burrito in your tights or are you just happy to see me?”
To be fair, it’s been a long time since I was a single party girl. Maybe he had a valid reason for using his tights for burrito storage. After all, everyone knows that a “Captain America” outfit doesn’t have pockets. And it probably doesn’t have a matching man-purse that he could carry around either. And maybe the doc was just making sure he had a snack for the evening, so he picked up a burrito to save for later.
And seriously, you can’t run around all evening in your “Captain America” costume while holding a burrito. It would ruin the outfit. And since he didn’t have pockets or the aforementioned man-purse, he had only one place to keep his snack. No, not the glove compartment of his car. Obviously, anyone would stuff that burrito right into his tights.
OK, maybe not.
But the good doctor certainly did. Unfortunately, burrito stuffing wasn’t this man’s only strange act of the evening. Seems he ran into a wee bit of trouble when he groped a woman and was subsequently arrested for it. No word on whether the police confiscated his burrito. Or his outfit.
