No Complaints, Just the Truth About Blended Families

When I first considered writing about blended families, I was
focused only on what I know, which is my life and my circumstances.
My situation is in direct contrast with how the picture-perfect
American family is portrayed.
When I first considered writing about blended families, I was focused only on what I know, which is my life and my circumstances. My situation is in direct contrast with how the picture-perfect American family is portrayed.

Please understand that it is not my intention to write a column that sounds like incessant complaining. I’m not complaining. I simply want to put the truth out there and reach people who can relate. My goal in writing this column is to bring people together to talk about what never gets talked about. Step-parenting really is like the Garden of Eden, a virtual paradise, until you get a little deeper inside and discover the ugly realities that we each face. A lot of us are struggling with really tough issues every day. By writing this column, I hope to achieve a sense of unity among those who are struggling with step-parenting.

When my stepchildren came to live with me, they didn’t show up with suitcases, they came with baggage. I felt desperate at times from dealing with the legal aspect (here comes my stomach ache) to academic issues to some serious health problems. It was a lot to take in all at once. I was totally unprepared.

In the midst of juggling and analyzing these things, we were also searching for solutions to each new issue as fast as we possibly could. It felt like chaos. The household was unbalanced and the kids were confused. I was confused!

I saw shows on television about families that weren’t like my family, and I read stories about parenting where the issues they spoke of were trivial compared to what I was facing. I knew that I wasn’t alone as a custodial stepmother, but I didn’t know anyone who understood it, and I didn’t want anyone outside my family to know what we were going through. It was embarrassing to have my house so upside-down.

Raising other people’s children on a full-time basis is without a doubt the most difficult task I’ve faced in my life so far. I try to meet the challenges of motherhood each day just as a biological mother would, but I know that I am not their mother.

One of the hardest things about this role is feeling like I’ll always be in third place. It’s not my divorce; I don’t get asked about how to coordinate the visitation schedule in court; and I don’t get to voice my issues in mediation. I get what I get, and I have to work with it.

The frustrating thing is that no matter how great a job I do as a stepmother, I will probably always hold the bronze medal. I’m learning to accept that, but I’m not a 3rd-place-is-good-enough kind of girl. That’s hard for me. I take my role as a parent very seriously even though I’m not their mother. I love being able to help in their classrooms, volunteering for field trips, playing and doing projects together. I haven’t just offered my physical presence; my heart is deeply involved in raising these kids. I give it my all. I think that’s what makes this so tough. They’re my kids, but they’re not my kids. If I didn’t care so much about them, I wouldn’t be writing about my conflicts while raising them and all of the conclusions I’ve had to figure out on my own. 

That is why I decided to publicly share my life. Divorced households are an epidemic, and we should be supporting each other. I’m certain that many of you are reading my columns with nods of understanding and frankly, I’m tired of reading stories about families that I don’t relate to. It makes me feel like my life is odd, and I’m an outsider. 

Then I really started thinking about it, and I realized there are just as many divorced families as biological families and I can’t possibly be alone as a custodial step mother with problematic situations. So I decided that if nobody else is willing to go first and talk about it, I will. 

I’m not so naive that I think by writing these columns I can change the world and create idealistic households based on my opinions. I think we each have the power within ourselves to create our own personal Gardens of Eden if we just start talking about it. 

Lydia Eden-Irwin and her husband were both raised in Gilroy. They have three kids collectively and have spent the past four years meeting the challenges of blending two broken households into one great family. Lydia can be reached at

ed*****@ao*.com