As shocking as it may seem to professional shoppers like myself,
there are people on earth who only venture to the mall once a year.
Of course that one time is now, during the holidays, a time when
malls aren’t at their best.
As shocking as it may seem to professional shoppers like myself, there are people on earth who only venture to the mall once a year. Of course that one time is now, during the holidays, a time when malls aren’t at their best. In fact, they are downright scary places, filled with scary people desperate to get gifts for the hundreds of other scary people on their list. And the scariest thing of all happens before you even get into the mall. That’s because you have to park in the mall parking lot.
Fortunately, I am here to help. I have been parking at malls since I ran over my first reindeer display several Christmas shopping seasons ago. Now, the first thing you need to realize is that you, an ordinary person, will never, ever get the best parking spot in the mall. Even those of us that shop every day of the year don’t get those spaces. In fact, the only people to ever park in the best parking spots are people who parked there when the mall was first built. Once these incredibly lucky people realized that they had the primo parking space at the mall, they never moved their car.
Seriously. Some of these spots were acquired in the 1950’s and still contain the original vehicles. Oh sure, from time to time, a late model car sneaks in – but it’s usually when the original car in the space has been replaced by its owner. Look, getting a new car doesn’t mean they should give up a prime parking space. They just exchange the old vehicle for the new one. If they need to brag to the neighbors, they just drag them to the mall.
And yes, there is the pesky fact that the car is permanently parked in front of Nordstrom – but hey, life is filled with sacrifice. So what if those lucky people have to take the bus everywhere else? They have an awesome parking space. You can’t buy that kind of happiness. Not even at the mall.
The next thing you need to remember is that during the holiday shopping season, there are lots of people driving lots of cars. These people do not understand the complex rules of parking lot navigation. For example, while at normal times of the year it is acceptable to yell at the one or two people who are jaywalking in front of your SUV, it’s not acceptable to do that during the holidays.
This is because during the holidays every single person coming out of the mall will walk in front of your car. Yelling at them will only cause them to band together against you. Unless you have a special insurance policy with a riot protection rider, I suggest you drive slowly and watch out for shoppers. It’s either that or be prepared to have them pelt your car with toaster ovens originally intended as gifts for people they hate.
And while we are on the subject of dangers in the parking lot, do not be a parking lot stalker. This is a person who idles their car near the mall entrance. Once a shopper comes out, they follow the person to his or her car. Now I know many of us have done this. I’m guilty of it myself. But it’s wrong. And it’s dangerous. You never know if the person is actually leaving or just dumping a bunch of stuff off, only to go back into the mall. Not to mention that women who are by themselves get very nervous when cars follow them at low speeds. And let’s be honest here. You don’t want to find out the hard way that the shopper you are following is armed with a toaster oven. To avoid this, wait at the end of the parking lot and then close in when they are near the car. That way you can get the space without getting a toaster oven antenna topper.
Of course, if all this fills you with dread, you can always try the one thing guaranteed to get you a primo parking space – and no, I don’t mean ramming your SUV into a VW bug to steal the space that it has been waiting for. I’m talking about the Internet. There’s something wonderful about shopping in your jammies, knowing you’re parking in the best space in town – your own garage.
