I have made an exciting scientific discovery. Now, the discovery
itself is amazing
– but the fact that I, a genuine unscientific person made this
discovery is even more amazing.
I have made an exciting scientific discovery. Now, the discovery itself is amazing – but the fact that I, a genuine unscientific person made this discovery is even more amazing.
And this is not just any discovery either. In case you missed it, this is a scientific discovery. As in science. As in that stuff I took in high school and hated. And that stuff I took in college and really hated because it completely messed up my GPA. That science.
And what, you may ask, is my startling, earth-shattering, globe-altering discovery? Simply put, I have finally proven a theory that women have held for eons – actually, maybe just centuries. Or decades. Whatever. It’s a theory we’ve had, OK? And I’ve proven it.
That’s right. I have proof that men cannot put things away. And, further, they cannot find things. And even further, this is a genetic mutation. I think. Well, I mean, I don’t know for sure about the mutation part, but I am absolutely, 100 percent positive about the finding stuff and putting it away part.
Now, you may also ask how I came about this startling discovery. Well, that part is simple. I live with two men. Well, one man and one boy-man. But neither one of them has ever been able to put something away. And I have fact and data-gathering studies to prove it.
Take Study One. This study was performed with a control group – Harry – and an uncontrolled group – Junior. I sent both groups to Home Depot. While at the Home Depot, the control group called me (while I was getting my toes done, mind you – not the perfect time to be jumping out of the foot spa in search of a cell phone – but that’s another study altogether). Anyway, the control group called and was very excited. It seems the control group had located half-priced fluorescent light bulbs and wanted to purchase several.
OK, first of all, I just have to say that the control group was a little over-excited about this find. I mean, it’s not like locating a pair of Steve Madden sandals at the Nordstrom Half Yearly Sale in your size for 50 percent off, is it? But, in any event, the control group made the purchase while the uncontrolled group roamed the aisles of Home Depot in search of something to destroy.
So when the two groups returned home, they just set the light bulbs anywhere. And I mean anywhere.
Once I arrived at the house (with my freshly painted toes and smooth heels), I found light bulbs all over the place – except in the one area that I actually keep light bulbs, which is in the cabinet in the laundry room. But there were light bulbs in the hallway, light bulbs in the living room, light bulbs in the kitchen, light bulbs in the bathrooms.
So I went through the house collecting the light bulbs. And I put all the light bulbs in the laundry room, in the cabinet, in the very place where we have kept spare light bulbs for 6 years. And that is why the control group could not find the light bulbs when he went looking for them two weeks later. Because the light bulbs by then had been living in their new home, instead of scattered through the house.
Now Study Two is an ongoing experiment involving clean socks, a couple of dresser drawers and the controlled and uncontrolled groups. Each morning both groups go to their dresser drawers and put on a pair of clean socks. OK – in the case of the uncontrolled group there is usually a grass stain or two that won’t come out, but the socks are otherwise clean.
During the initial part of the study, I, the scientist, laundered, matched, folded and put away all socks in their appointed dresser drawers. However, the uncontrolled group recently became an age where I believed he could put away his own socks.
And he hasn’t found a pair since. This is because the socks are under his bed, in his closet or, my personal favorite, still in the basket of folded clothes, along with his clean underwear, shirts, shorts and jeans.
So as you can see, I have absolute proof that men cannot put things away. And if you still don’t believe me, I have case studies three through 2,599 that I would be happy to send you. They are filed in the file cabinet – put away where they belong, of course.
