Hi, I’m Mike Ditka, former NFL player and coach. As such, I’m
considered a rugged, manly man, and even among coaches
– all rugged, manly men – I am probably the ruggedest and
manliest.
Hi, I’m Mike Ditka, former NFL player and coach. As such, I’m considered a rugged, manly man, and even among coaches – all rugged, manly men – I am probably the ruggedest and manliest. That’s why I’ve been hired to sell you this product that’s only for men; in fact, it’s only for aging baby-boomer men who, um, are finding that they’re not as, uh, rugged and manly as they used to be.
And since this is your radio or television, as a rugged, manly man I have to dance around the topic like a ballerina in a pink tutu and play verbal games with you to get my point across. Now, you’ve no doubt seen the commercials with the middle-aged guy in the back yard trying so hard to throw his football through the hole in the tire swing, and failing; just makes you want to cry, doesn’t it? And you would if you weren’t a manly man. But then he takes a few doses of our product and like magic the ball goes through the tire every time. We thought you’d get the idea.
Now we have this endlessly-repeated ad in which I keep talking about ”staying in the game.” I’m an expert at ”staying in the game” you see, because I’m a rugged, manly man who coached football; you do see the tie-in, don’t you? Well, apparently, many of you men out there are rugged and manly but not too bright, because we’ve been getting a lot of mail saying, ”I asked my doctor about your product like you told me to, and to shut me up he prescribed it, but I have found that my football skills haven’t improved a bit – what gives?”
OK, a little hint, guys: It’s not literally your ability to play football that we’re talking about here, but you see, we can’t talk about what we’re really talking about. You do see that, right? Anyway, it’s really important that we get through to you and get lots of you to ask your doctor about us because starting next year ABC is going to have an annual gala special called the ”Bring Your HMO to a Grinding Halt Awards”, and we want to compete for the honor of being the Drug The Most People Drove Their Doctor Stark Raving Mad Asking About; the publicity benefits will be enormous. So we’re going to try a different tack.
Now picture in your head a map of the eastern seaboard of the United States, and imagine that it’s an outline of rugged, manly you, facing Europe. Your head is up around New England and that beginning of a paunch is where North Carolina bulges out into the Atlantic. Now imagine that you’ve got a problem with, umm, er, Florida. Your, uh, um, partner in the war on terrorism, England, is complaining that Florida is so, well, tropical, and wants to know why it can’t have a more, er, temperate climate. You tell your coalition partner that it’s just because of the age of your continent, a simple case of tectonic dysfunction that will probably pass by the next ice age. But England isn’t buying it, and insists that you ask your doctor about…..
Are you getting this, guys? I mean, there has to be a way for us to make an obscene profit off this pill without ever having to actually talk about what it’s for. Just because we’re all rugged, manly men doesn’t mean that we can just … well, you know. OK, so the map thing isn’t working for you? Well, try this: Let’s say you’re a rugged, manly boy scout who has the job of raising the flag every morning at your school, and one rugged, manly day you find that the pulley is jammed and you can’t …
