My fellow Kahleefohnians, this is your Governor, and I come to
you in a time of great trouble.
My fellow Kahleefohnians, this is your Governor, and I come to you in a time of great trouble. As you know if you’ve been paying the slightest attention (which according to the latest Field poll means approximately 43 percent of you), Kahleefohnia is in a budget crisis of hallucinogenic proportions, which as you may “recall” is why most of you elected me. I told you that I am a man of action: action hero, action movies and a lot of action in my younger days which I no longer want to talk about. The spineless politicians in Sacramento and the wimpy former Governor have made a big mess of things, and a bold new vision is necessary to make it right again.
The time to turn to the tired old solutions is over; career politicians have proven that they don’t have the answers. They are tied to the special interests and to the way things have always been done before; they have no imagination, no ability to think outside the box the way we truly rich people can. They don’t understand the way I do how to tighten one’s belt. I have done that numerous times: I just take many extra doses of steroids, lift weights until I pass out and my belt easily slips over one more notch. So I know it can be done. Kahleefohnia needs to take steroids and lift weights; given the size of the state I figure 4,000 tons of steroids and lifting 80 billion tons ought to do it, and of course, we’ll need a lot of Gatorade.
No, wait; that is impractical. There is a better solution, one that you have all been awaiting until a total outsider/non-politician came along with the personal courage and clarity of vision to set us on a bold new course that the hacks in Sacramento would never have thought of in a million years.
We’ll take it from the children. There now, how’s that for innovative thinking? We’ll float a loan! Tell me, who in Sacramento would have ever come up with a unique idea like that? This is how the risk you took in electing a total amateur to be your Chief Executive turns out to be a wise choice. And the real beauty is, we’ll borrow from people who can’t say no! It’s the same kind of bold, creative business savvy that has kept Tony Soprano on top for five seasons. I figure, everybody knows that I have worked to help children for many years, and it’s high time they started paying me back. They’re small, they’re puny, they have no capacity to understand deficit economics, and best of all, they can’t vote! Can you imagine a better involuntary creditor? This is not just thinking outside the box, it’s thinking outside the age of majority.
And when they get older and start asking why they have to pay back all this money, I have a great cover story. We’ll tell them that back in 2004 $15 billion was hijacked from an armored car by the Popular Front For the Liberation of Middle Earth, which Attorney General Ashcroft identified as the secret paramilitary wing of the Lord of The Rings Fan Club. In response to the terrorist threat created by Hobbit fanatics with a great deal of money, President Bush immediately invaded New Zealand with 150,000 troops to seize control of all the locations where the Rings trilogy was filmed in order to deny the terrorists safe havens, but no stockpiles of WMD (Wealthy Movie Devotees) were found. Nonetheless, the president declared that the war was “the right thing to do” because it freed the New Zealand population from the oppression of Australia, which Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz convinced him is much bigger and could hypothetically at some point in the future possibly under the right conditions pose an imminent threat to Polynesia and therefore under the Very Long Domino Theory, to America itself.
Considering what the kids will be learning in their history classes by then, this will all make perfect sense to them.