It is always exciting when the Winter Olympics arrive because I
know we’re in for a lot of high-quality crashes. There’s nothing
like a ski jump or bobsled run gone terribly wrong.
It is always exciting when the Winter Olympics arrive because I know we’re in for a lot of high-quality crashes. There’s nothing like a ski jump or bobsled run gone terribly wrong.
Don’t get on me here. I’m all for the thrill of athletic competition, sportsmanship and safe landings. But if there isn’t enough agony of defeat I get bored and may as well be watching “Dancing with the Stars.” Downhill skiing is the best, because even when those people don’t crash it’s still a rush watching them manage some crazy issues at extremely dangerous speeds. And when they do crash, it goes on for miles.
As a bald American male, I am willing to admit ambivalence about figure skating. Let’s get that out of the way right now. I’m deeply suspicious of their costumes, and the only thing I understand about an axel is that there is one on my truck.
But the Winter Olympics were created for people who watch television. Except, of course, that we have no idea what time it is over there in Europe. The network will trumpet the fact that it’s covering live events that actually took place three days before. The former Soviet Union may already have won the hockey gold medal, and we’ve been told competition doesn’t begin until Friday.
And so what? I’ll still watch some Eastern Bloc plumber get strapped to a piece of plywood and sent down a steep, twisting ice tunnel to an uncertain future at excessive speed. They call this event “luge.” I call it “projectiles lacking brakes.”
Television gives it all to us in slow-motion, bite-size increments. They also give us “up close and personal” profiles that remind me of being forced to eat brussels sprouts, but I always know action will follow. And because I have satellite TV, I can record everything, skip the gooey humanity, and get right to the crashes and Bud Light commercials.
As a public service I’d like to present a few of my favorite events, some that might otherwise be missed, mostly because it is incomprehensible that anyone would attempt them. So, here is a list of my favorite televised Winter Olympics viewing. This is not a list for people who were deeply moved by the film “Pride & Prejudice.” But if you thought “The Bourne Supremacy” or the chase scene in “Bullit” were cool, this may be helpful.
Luge As mentioned, men or women are strapped onto scraps of lumber from construction sites and sent hurtling down a steep, twisting course lined by ice walls. It is a lot like commuting on Highway 17 in the rain. There appear to be no brakes or steering apparatus on these things. Anything can happen. Great stuff.
Short-track speed skating It’s like roller derby on ice. Racers get going around a tight circle and in no time, bodies are flying everywhere. And for Americans, there is a hunky, handsome kid named Yoko Ono. Wait, that’s Apolo Ohno. That’s one of the finest sports names ever, and if the kid strikes gold millions of Americans will name kittens “Apolo.”
Curling This is one the oddest sport ever. Contestants use brooms and shove ceramic flea-market pots down a bowling alley made of ice. I have no idea how points are scored. No one does. And the players are so nice, you feel they’d love to feed you macaroni and cheese if you dropped by any time.
Skiing All of the skiing is action-packed, but downhill is the ticket. I especially enjoy the women because they look terrific in those aerodynamic suits, and any woman who hurtles down a mountain at 90 mph on two long slats has to be a lot of fun at New Year’s Eve parties.
Ski jumping When things go wrong for these contestants, there’s big trouble. One wobble and suddenly they’re sailing wide right like a missed field goal. No need to say more. I’d also like to mention a couple of Winter Olympics sports that are overrated and should be dropped from the television schedule. These sports are harmful to anyone who watches them.
Ice dancing Figure skating is graceful and athletic. But this dancing thing is cheap and too much like Las Vegas. And the music is loud and atrocious. Admit it.
Ice hockey On television the puck is the size of a molecule, and you can’t follow it. Also, the National Hockey League took last year off because of money squabbling, so all of hockey should be punished. Reruns of Red Sox-Yankees games should be shown instead.
Finally, because I am an idea man, I’d like to suggest a new Winter Olympics sport: Figure 8 Speed Skating. Put 20 skaters on a track and turn them loose. Blindfold any skater who becomes too adept at avoidance. Ratings would be sky high.
At any rate, in the next two weeks there will be 800 hours of Olympics on television. Of course, 400 hours of that will be opening ceremonies, which I’ll skip. That’s right. Too many costumes and not enough crashes.
