I have a tough time with Easter. I find the traditions
surrounding it to be odd, to say the least.
I have a tough time with Easter. I find the traditions surrounding it to be odd, to say the least. First, there’s that whole Easter Bunny thing. Am I the only person on earth who finds the idea of a giant bunny breaking into my house, leaving a basket of candy and then hiding a bunch of eggs outside just a tiny bit scary?
It’s weird, right? And weirder still, the bunny is dressed – which I guess we should all be thankful for. After all, a naked bunny laying eggs in the backyard bushes would be more than a little strange. And that’s not even the strangest part. I’m no math whiz, but even I can see that Warm Spring Weather + Chocolate = A Big Melted Mess For Mom to Clean Up.
And that brings me to the one tradition I actually understand and enjoy. No, it’s not the chocolate or figuring out fun new ways to get the chocolate stains out of clothing. For me the best Easter tradition is the new clothes.
Now, if you’ve read this column more than once, you know I don’t need to use a holiday as a shopping excuse. I have tons of shopping excuses that I can use. But the Easter holiday is special because that’s the day I can make Harry and Junior wear brand new clothes.
Normally when I go shopping for Harry, I get complaints. He doesn’t want new clothes. He doesn’t need new clothes. In fact, according to my fashion-challenged husband, he can still fit into his old polo shirts from 1993, so why should he buy new ones? After all, hardly anyone notices the holes or the chocolate stains.
And, since Harry doesn’t care about fashion – or even matching his clothing – it makes it difficult to buy stuff for him. Actually, it makes it impossible because every time I bring home a new shirt or a pair of shoes for him, he complains. The man has been wearing the exact same brand, size and style of hiking boot since the 80s. We’re talking about boots that weren’t even fashionable the first time. I swear to you, the man makes me crazy.
But for Easter, I get to make him what I want him to wear. It’s like having a life-size Ken doll, minus the plastic hair.
Once, I made him wear a pink polo shirt and it wasn’t even the 80s. Yeah, that was a little mean, but if you saw what he normally wears, you’d understand.
Anyway, for Easter, Harry generally wears whatever I buy for him and he doesn’t complain. Much. Now Junior is a completely different kettle of fish. I can’t decide if he’s fashion-challenged or just a pain the butt.
Junior will not wear pants. Never. Ever. Not even in the dead of winter. It could be 12 degrees out and my child will be cavorting in shorts. And he won’t wear a coat, either.
Oh, when it’s so cold ice crystals form on his nose I can sometimes convince him to wear a sweatshirt, but for the most part my child dresses as though he lives in Hawaii – short-sleeved shirts and shorts.
And everything he wears needs to either a) have a skull on it; b) have a skull on it with a guitar or other musical instrument; or c) have a skull with the name of a 70s rock band on it. I’m not sure why he has an obsession with skulls, he just does.
The 70s rock band obsession he got from Harry, who still tries to wear his Pink Floyd concert T-shirts, despite the fact that they are, shall we say, a size-challenge for him.
In any event, Easter is not a season associated with skull T-shirts, even if they are very fashionable.
So for one day out of the year, my son actually wears a shirt that doesn’t make him look like an 11-year-old grim reaper.
Unfortunately, that’s also the day he runs around the yard, searching for eggs that contain gobs of gooey melted chocolate. Which means that by the end of the day, Junior is either covered in chocolate or dressed in a skull shirt yet again.
But I think I have found a solution. For Easter this year, Junior will be wearing a fashionable Bunny skull T-shirt that conveniently comes with brown blotches that closely resemble chocolate stains. And Harry?
Well, he’ll still be wearing his hiking boots. But this year, they’re pink.
