It’s Valentine’s Day next week and just in time for that special
day, I scored an interview with the Big Man of Romance himself
– Cupid. We sat down in a local coffee shop and chatted about
love, relationships and what women really want.
It’s Valentine’s Day next week and just in time for that special day, I scored an interview with the Big Man of Romance himself – Cupid. We sat down in a local coffee shop and chatted about love, relationships and what women really want.
Me: Cupid, it’s so nice to meet you.
Cupid: It’s wonderful to be here, I love the South Valley. Lots of people around waiting to fall in love. It’s great.
Me: Cupid, I watched you fly in, and you seemed to be shooting arrows all over the place. Were those people who you planned to make fall in love or just random shootings?
Cupid: Sometimes I watch people for ages and get a sense that they’ll be together forever, so I make it happen. Other times, I see two people, they look like they might get along and poof! I shoot them with Love Potion No. 185 – which is much more potent than the old No. 9 – and they’re all over each other.
Me: That would explain my high school boyfriends.
Cupid: Well, yes, the random thing seems to work on high school girls very well. It also works on
Hollywood actors. But I try to observe people for a while and then give them a helping hand. It helps keep the divorce rate down.
Me: But don’t half of all marriages fail?
Cupid: Oh, please. I can’t be shooting people ALL the time. You have to take some of the responsibility for your love life.
Me: Speaking of shooting people constantly, how do you get everyone? I mean, you’re just one guy flying about, spreading Love Potion No. whatever all over the earth.
Cupid: I have several contractors working for me. I used to have an in-house team, the Cupidettes, but it got too expensive. Do you know how much worker’s compensation insurance is for a team of archery specialists? It’s beyond astronomical. And the Cupidettes started demanding Love Potion immunity in case an arrow bounced off an over-sized butt and hit a Cupidette. It was terrible. So I’m outsourcing now. I’ve got people all over the globe, watching and shooting.
Me: They’re trained, right? You aren’t just setting up a bunch of flying guys in diapers shooting Love
Potions at people, are you?
Cupid: Of course they’re trained. I have a manual, “Shoot to Love, Love to Shoot.” And they get about three hours of training, mostly weapon – I mean, arrow – loading and species identification. We don’t want anyone falling in love with squirrels, do we? But my team is qualified and ready to do the job.
Me: OK. Now I have a personal question. Why the diaper?
Cupid: It’s comfy. It’s also very handy for when I’m on a love mission – like right before the high school prom when I’m shooting teenagers like ducks in a barrel. You know, I’ve been around since the Romans and the Greeks, and I can tell you, I learned pretty quickly that there’s just never a little cupid’s room around when you need it.
Me: Too much information, thanks. Moving on, is there a Mrs. Cupid?
Cupid: Well, of course there’s a Mrs. Cupid! How would it look if I didn’t have a One True Love? She’s a delight. Stays at home with the little cupids. Calls me on my cell every once in a while to find out if
I’ll be home in time for dinner.
Me: Really?
Cupid: No. If you must know, I HAD a Mrs. Cupid, but she was shot by an outsourcer and ran off with the mailman and left me with a bunch of flying brats in need of a diaper change. Happy now? Got your scoop?
Me: Sorry to hear that. One last question, and then I’ll let you go find some young lovers. Cupid, what do women really want this Valentine’s Day?
Cupid, Well, flowers are nice. And chocolate always goes over well. But truthfully, women want two things: Aim well and put the seat down.
And with that, he took out an arrow, shot the girl behind the counter and the guy she was waiting on and flew out to heaven knows where to spread love throughout the world. And the young coffee shop lovers? Well, let’s just say that it was impossible to get a decent cup of java that day.
Personally, I liked Cupid. He’s not the brightest crayon in the box, but he did shoot Harry and me. And he was absolutely, positively right about what women want for Valentine’s Day.
