Now that I am dieting, I am obsessed with food. I will take any
opportunity to discuss food, smell food, talk about food, write
about food, dream about food, pretend I am eating real food and in
general spend every hour of every day thinking about food. I’m like
my very own food network, only I am starving to death.
Now that I am dieting, I am obsessed with food. I will take any opportunity to discuss food, smell food, talk about food, write about food, dream about food, pretend I am eating real food and in general spend every hour of every day thinking about food. I’m like my very own food network, only I am starving to death.
So it should come as no surprise to anyone reading this today that I am going to write about food. Oh, I’m not going to write about my dreams of food – except that weird one the other night where I was on a game show and I had to pick between ogling Matthew McConaughey’s naked chest as he cavorted on the beach or eating a freshly baked loaf of sourdough bread with a cube of softened butter. I won’t tell you what I picked, but let’s just say that even dream bread is incredibly good.
So with the exception of that shameful little tidbit, today we are going to talk about the 5-second rule. Please. Do not even try to tell me that you don’t know what I’m talking about. The 5-second rule is a rule of life. If something falls on the ground, you have 5 seconds to pick it up and eat it.
Everyone knows this rule. Everyone follows this rule. This rule has been around since caveman days when cave moms would walk past a mastodon bone that had been dropped by her son, dust it off and hand it back to him for more gnawing.
Of course, in more modern times, we’ve all been told not to eat anything that was dropped on the ground. But we’ve also been told for eons that if it falls on the ground it takes germs 5 seconds to jump on it and make the food inedible, poisonous and only fit for consumption by your younger sibling. I have no idea if that is true or not, but if there’s an unwrapped candy bar on the floor, who am I to question the wisdom of the ages?
And let’s face it, all of us have dropped the very last chocolate chip cookie on the kitchen floor and thought “When did I last sweep? Was it recent enough to risk eating that cookie?” Let me tell you, I have been there, done that. And may I just say that there is no way I’m letting a perfectly good chocolate chip cookie go to waste just because it’s a wee bit dusty.
Take Thanksgiving dinner, for example. If the turkey falls on the floor, what do you do? Do you announce to your guests that Thanksgiving is now being served at the neighbor’s house, or do you just cheerfully say “oops! 5 second rule,” and scoop that slippery old bird back on the platter? Sure if you pick the latter, your guests are disgusted with you – but who cares? More turkey for you.
Of course, with every rule, there are exceptions like the Fast Food Exception. I learned that one when Junior was small and I was ordering a Happy Meal for him, only to discover him crawling on the floor of McDonald’s, prying old, squished French fries out of the tile grout. I’m positive that half the workers at McDonald’s were later put on disability for the damage I did to their eardrums as I yelled, “Omigod! Spit it out! SPIT IT OUT NOW!” Honestly, I didn’t think I had the lung capacity to screech that loud.
Anyway, that’s a clear exception to the 5-second rule.
Another clear exception is anything to do with animals. Let’s say you’re enjoying a delicious bag of chips. Sour Cream and Onion. Mmmmm. My favorite. Oh, anyway, suddenly a chip falls to the floor and is licked – but not eaten – by the dog. Do you a) pick up the chip anyway and eat it, justifying this gross act by announcing loudly to anyone within earshot, “a dog’s mouth is completely germ-free and my dog never, ever licks his own privates;” or b) take a napkin and pick up the chip carefully making sure no part of the licked chip touches your skin and then toss the chip in the trash.
If you picked “b,” congratulations. You’re a perfectly normal human. If you picked “a,” I’m so sorry. Clearly we are on the same diet. I can only imagine what you dream about.
