OK, who among us has ever sat down after a hard day of parenting
and thought,
”
I know why some animals eat their young.
”
Oh, be honest. We all think it, but very few of us admit to
it.
“Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.” – P.J. O’Rourke
OK, who among us has ever sat down after a hard day of parenting and thought, “I know why some animals eat their young.” Oh, be honest. We all think it, but very few of us admit to it.
But Nadya Suleman, the mom who just gave birth to octuplets, probably doesn’t have her hand raised. This is because she now has 14 kids total, eight of which are newborns. Look, I try very hard not to criticize another parent. Parenting is hard enough without having other people stick their noses in your family’s business. But as a mom, I have to say that woman is absolutely insane. Or extremely desperate to meet Oprah. Or both.
Seriously. She has 14 children, people, all under the age of 8. Is it just me or does anyone else think the woman is absolutely bonkers? I don’t think I’m alone here. Sure she loves babies – who doesn’t? They’re cute and cuddly and with the exception of that whole poo-in-their-pants thing, babies are all kinds of sweet. But doesn’t this woman understand that just because you can have it all doesn’t mean you should?
Of course I’m not the only one questioning Nadya’s choice. People all over are asking why doctors would perform IVF on a parent who already has six kids under the age of 8. Even Nadya’s mom has been quoted as saying that when Nadya gets out of the hospital, the mom plans to leave. And frankly, whether she leaves or stays, who can blame her for not wanting to hang out and help with 14 kids?
To me, those aren’t the only questions that should be asked. Look, if Nadya has eight tiny butts to diaper, does the diapering ever end? Will there be a time in the next two or three years when she will not have a naked baby butt lying on the changing table waiting for a fresh Huggy?
And does Nadya even comprehend what the future holds for her in terms of body image? First of all, she has 14 kids. Frankly, at six kids she could kiss perky goodbye. But 14? No amount of lifts on earth will defy gravity and breastfeeding. I don’t even think Victoria has a secret strong enough to lift her up again. And let’s not talk about the tummy. Suffice to say she will have one. Forever. There isn’t enough miracle cream on the planet to get rid of the stretch marks.
Now as we all know, kids grow up. So what happens when they are all in school?
What about the dreaded, horrifying homework? Frankly, no amount of wine will be sufficient to get her through 14 kids worth of dividing fractions and memorizing facts about the Roman Empire. Trust me. I speak from experience. And may I just say that she probably should not be consulted when it comes to reproduction in science class?
And I have even more questions. Like how will she transport all these kids anywhere? Will there be multiple vans schlepping the kids around – because I can guarantee you that Chrysler isn’t making minivans for jumbo families anytime soon.
And then there are team sports. Will the local park and recreation department have to have a soccer team just for her family? And what if the kids don’t all want to play the same sport? Can you imagine this woman’s Saturday? “Now let’s see, Kid One has a track and field meet at 10, Kid Two has basketball at 11, the twins have soccer 30 miles away at 12:45, Kids Five through Nine have a dance recital at 10:30, Kid Ten has … ” All I can say is Nadya had better be an expert multitasker.
Of course, the discipline will be the hardest. Look, there are 14 of them. And one of her. You do the math. If those kids are smart (and I’ve yet to meet a kid who wasn’t) they’ll gang up on mom and get their own way before the littlest eight are speaking in complete sentences. Now that’s a mom’s biggest nightmare. Other than having 14 kids, of course.
So I don’t know what made Nadya do what she did. What I do know is that Nadya Suleman has a long road ahead of her. And she might want to think about the guppy parents before she tries this again.
