I have a confession to make. I am a murderer. There, I said it
and feel much better now. Truth be told, I have murdered numerous
gardenias over the years. As any of you who have grown
– or tried to grow – Gardenia veitchiis over the years already
know, gardenias are spawned from the devil.
I have a confession to make. I am a murderer. There, I said it and feel much better now. Truth be told, I have murdered numerous gardenias over the years. As any of you who have grown – or tried to grow – Gardenia veitchiis over the years already know, gardenias are spawned from the devil.
Gardenias are so enticing, with their glossy green foliage and their wafting sweet flower fragrance that seems to be from heaven. The fresh white flowers of gardenias not only are lovely, but their scent can be compared to a sort of coconut/vanilla suntan-like mix. No perfumer has ever been able to duplicate the fragrance. And that is precisely why I believe gardenias are the devil’s flower.
Satan himself must have invented this plant, and laughs uproariously at all of us pitiful fools who try to make such a hateful and obnoxious plant happy. Gardenias immediately die when I get within six feet of them. I have actually heard them scream when I reach to pick up a pot at the garden center. They even have an annoying scream.
They smell so nice, but make you crazy when the blooms decide to wither and die before they even open. The buds don’t just fall off, they detonate, fly off and stick to the fence. The leaves don’t just dry up and turn brown, they send up wisps of smoke, smolder and burn a hole in the ground where they drop.
I’ve tried just about everything I can think of. Here is just some of the conflicting advice I’ve received from well-meaning gardener friends. Gardenias like wet/dry, acidic/alkaline soil. They like sun, but only in shade, and shade, but only in sun. They prefer north/southern exposure and, if you can’t manage that, try east/west. They like to be dry misted, to be fed yet not, and adore hot/dry and/or cool/wet conditions. I’ve tried begging on bended knee, scowling at them, doing a voodoo dance and shaking a dead chicken over them. It is all in vain.
Every year I tell myself that I will not buy another one. Yet, when I’m strolling the aisles of the local garden center each spring, I am drawn like a magnet by the wafting fragrance from heaven. Of course, I am seduced again.
And that is precisely why I admire my Mom so much. Growing up, she had a gardenia growing right next to our front entryway. Wedged in a narrow piece of dirt next to the sidewalk, that gardenia thrived and rewarded us with dozens upon dozens of fragrant white flowers.
It turns out that’s the key with gardenias. They thrive on neglect. They also thrive on heat and humidity. They prefer to be kept dry rather than wet, so do not overwater. Gardenias do tend to get yellow leaves in our clay-like soils, so acid fertilizer can help. This means fertilizers for azaleas, such as Miracid, should do for food. Friends have even recommended feeding with used coffee grounds.
The best advice I can give, though, is simply do yourself the greatest favor and resist the temptation of gardenia plants. Don’t torture yourself. If you must buy one, give it as a gift to someone you don’t like. Together, if we try, we can get them off the market and resume our happy lives.
Come on, say it with me: “I will not buy another gardenia. I will not buy another gardenia. I will not buy another gardenia …”
