There are moments, in the course of human existence, where the
unspeakable happens. A deep hurt is inflicted or an ongoing
struggle is allowed to grow, reaching mammoth proportions. The
breaking point can be an act as violent as rape or murder, or as
simple as a neighbor who, for the 900th time this month, has
allowed his dog to run free and rummage in your trash can.
There are moments, in the course of human existence, where the unspeakable happens. A deep hurt is inflicted or an ongoing struggle is allowed to grow, reaching mammoth proportions. The breaking point can be an act as violent as rape or murder, or as simple as a neighbor who, for the 900th time this month, has allowed his dog to run free and rummage in your trash can.
Over time the anger that is built into our daily lives festers, leading not only to a lack of emotional well-being, but to potentially serious medical complications. Holding on to anger can worsen pre-existing medical conditions, said Morgan Hill Marriage and Family Therapist Barbara Sachs. A recent study by researchers at Duke University also found that retention of anger can lead to higher rates of heart disease.
Letting go, forgiving something that has consumed months or even years of a person’s life is difficult. Contrary to the old adage, forgiving and forgetting are not the same thing. And it turns out we could all use a little of the former, without accomplishing the latter.
“Clinically, some years back, (forgiveness) was considered just for religion,” said Sachs, “but (holding in anger) has been shown to really hurt you. You may think you’re getting back at someone, but they may have no idea you’re mad. You’re really only hurting yourself.”
True forgiveness isn’t condoning vile behavior, said the Rev. Jim Achilles, senior pastor at Grace Bible Church in Hollister. It’s letting go of the anger associated with that behavior in order to move on with life, especially if the person who inflicted that hurt isn’t going away. Reaching that point in the close ties of a personal relationship, such as that between friends or family members, can be especially difficult, said the Rev. Dan Derry, pastor of St. Mary Catholic Parish in Gilroy.
“I think the most important thing is to keep the rift from growing,” said Derry. “Once the rift is there, it often seems you have to live with the distance without creating further division. A lot of it is learning to be disciplined … but there are days, where if the person is offensive to you, you just avoid further angering and further distancing yourselves by staying away.”
The answer doesn’t sound like the most rousing chorus of peace, love and brotherhood, but pastors and mental health experts agree that a utopian vision isn’t what real, everyday forgiveness looks like.
“We’re not asked to forget,” said Achilles. “There are times when a person has consequences for their sins.”
Achilles uses the example of a person who has habitually stolen in the past to explain his approach to what many in the Christian faith consider a Biblical mandate.
“Forgiveness is treating that person with the same level of respect that you would anyone else, as if they’d never stolen,” said Achilles. “But that doesn’t mean you’re going to leave them alone in your house.”
For those who have been victims, one of the few things that rests in their power, one of the few things that remains in their scope of choice, is the ability to forgive.
“I thought specifically of when the disciples asked Jesus how to pray,” said the Rev. Bob Hammond, pastor of the St. Augustine Anglican Church in Hollister.
“He taught them how to say the Lord’s prayer, but he didn’t say there was a catch.
“The prayer says, ‘Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.’ We ask to be forgiven in how we forgive …. When we don’t forgive, there’s certainly the suggestion of our judgment in their ways.”
I want to reconcile, now what?
If you have been holding a grudge for a long time, it can be hard to move past the anger associated with your hurts, said Barbara Sachs, a Morgan Hill-based marriage and family therapist, but that’s just what you’ll need to do before you attempt any sort of reconciliation with the person you feel has hurt you.
“Trying to reconnect to get the other person to confess often doesn’t work,” said Sachs. “You need to be in a place where you’re reconnecting to say, ‘I care about you, and I want to figure out how to move past this.'”
Hurt often goes both ways, said Sachs, and in your own anger, you may not have realized that you hurt the other person, too.
If a reconciliation is to be successful, try approaching them with a humble attitude and an open mind. You’ll make the situation worse if you try to extract an apology, exact revenge or use past actions as fodder for future arguments.
If the other party still isn’t receptive after your meeting, let it go.
“If the other person doesn’t want to connect, then just knowing you’ve worked through it can be a relief,” said Sachs.
