It is no government secret that we have a crisis in this
country, which is a good thing because if it were a secret I
wouldn’t know about it either and couldn’t write about it.
It is no government secret that we have a crisis in this country, which is a good thing because if it were a secret I wouldn’t know about it either and couldn’t write about it. Fortunately, there is an exponentially expanding number of other government secrets for me to not write about, so I’ll be able to stay busy not knowing and not writing. It appears to be a formal new Bush policy: Government of, by, for, without, and instead of the people.
Anyway, the crisis we do know about involves the most unfortunate fact that Dubya, Dick, Johny, and Donny want a war with Iraq, want it badly, and want it soon. It has become downright entertaining to watch the race between the Iraqi spokesman-of-the-moment saying something – pretty much anything will do – and Press Secretary Ari Fleischer rushing to the podium to declare that it’s all a lie and that we have “solid evidence” to prove it which we, uh, won’t describe. The other day a high-ranking Iraqi commented on what a nice sunny day it was, and before he could finish the sentence Fleischer was announcing we had proof that it was in fact partly cloudy. “We know Saddam has lied about the weather before. This is just another example of how he really has no interest in peace and wants us to attack him with the full support and cooperation of all our allies and partners whether or not there happen to be any of them at that specific point in time.”
But a very large number of Americans are vexed with nagging doubts, such as, whatever happened to al Qaida and how did it magically get turned into Iraq? How many billions is this going to cost and will the President’s tax cuts cover it? (Let’s see – we’re about to increase our expenses, so let’s decrease our income to compensate; yes, that should work.) How will we know we got the real Saddam when there are so many body doubles – in fact, is there a real Saddam at all, or is it possible that all the doubles are running Iraq by committee? What if Saddam has a provision in his will that if anything happens to him all the money he stole goes to Osama – kind of a “gotcha” from the grave? Is it ever partly cloudy in Baghdad? These and many other questions are troubling our countrymen, and they need to be assuaged.
The answer: What else – advertising! The administration needs to employ the most tried and true method of popularizing anything in America – do a catchy, attention-grabbing, hip-with-a-slight-edge ad campaign! Billboards, posters on busses, TV spots, print ads; they’ve got to sell this like you sell everything else.
For example, a billboard/magazine ad/TV commercial: just a huge picture of Saddam’s smiling face, except instead of the bushy black moustache his upper lip is dripping with white liquid. Caption: “Got war?” Or this on TV: People dancing in a beautiful field of wildflowers with a voice-over. “Feel the power of the purple cruise missile. Make Iraq a (coincidentally oil-rich) territory of the United States. Ask your doctor about Annexium.” Or perhaps: A stark white background. A simple table and on it a most unconventional computer. A voice: “Introducing the new Apple I-Raq. So simple to use; just plug in 250,000 troops, wait two years for it to boot up, and it will do whatever you want it to. Unlike your standard PC, nothing about it ever crashes, except the corrupt dictatorship. From now until December 31st, available for only 300 billion dollars after rebate. Limited time offer, major casualties may apply.”
I mean, Bush isn’t even TRYING to get us involved here. This is America, damn it – don’t we have an inalienable right to get conned by clever advertising into buying a war just as much as we do toothpaste or decongestant or Buicks? Aren’t we entitled to at least a “Just Do It”?
Robert Mitchell practices law in Morgan Hill. His column has appeared in The Dispatch for more than 20 years. It’s published every Tuesday.
