There are certain things that do not belong in a garden. A weed
here or there is fine as are leaves and dust and slugs and snails.
We don’t mind. But when a homeowner oversteps their bounds, starts
planting plastic critters and ceramic figurines in among the
geraniums, we have to take action. Welcome to Garden 911.
There are certain things that do not belong in a garden. A weed here or there is fine as are leaves and dust and slugs and snails. We don’t mind. But when a homeowner oversteps their bounds, starts planting plastic critters and ceramic figurines in among the geraniums, we have to take action. Welcome to Garden 911. First, let’s get a good look at our suspects:
The Plastic Flamingo
Never mind the hokey construction, the hot pink color that matches absolutely nothing in front of a home. Some folks just want to feel like they’re in Florida. That’s fine, but why not settle with planting a palm tree?
Plastic flamingos, the enduring icon of garden kitsch, were first created by Don Featherstone of Union Products in 1957. The Leominster, Mass., man surely must have intended them as a joke, but Featherstone’s idea is still circulating today.
• Violation: Visual Pollution
• Sentence: Removal of all plastic flamingos … at least to the back yard.
Lawn Jockeys
If you’ve ever come face to face with a lawn jockey, one of those leering cast-iron figures in red and white racing silks, you will have seen the wisdom of this choice for Garden 911. Nothing like sticking a statue depicting a subservient black man outside your front door.
The lawn jockey may be a relic of our country’s divided past, but it actually didn’t have the negative connotations back then that we associate with it today. These figures, while increasingly more rare in politically correct modern society, marked the way to freedom during the days of slavery. They pointed travelers to safety along the Underground Railroad.
A green ribbon tied around the statue’s arms meant the home was a safe place to say, while a red ribbon told escaping slaves to keep moving, according to historian and author Charles Blockson, curator of the Afro-American Collection at Temple University in Philadelphia.
• Violation: Felony Poor Judgment
• Sentence: Lawn jockey reparations, 400 hours community service to be performed while wearing hideous racing silks.
Garden Gnomes
Need we remind you that this is not the Hobbit? It’s war! Just read this:
“Thousands of Gnomes are enslaved in Gardens across America,” according to the Web site www.FreeTheGnomes.com. “For too long we have let our neighbors usurp the rights of these gentle woodland creatures.”
Thus, we call on you, brothers and sisters, to rid the world of this tyranny!
In all seriousness, the Garden Gnome Liberation Front’s last major action took place in Paris four years ago when, during a nighttime raid, members stole 20 gnomes from an exhibition in the city’s Bagatelle park.
The group’s leader was given a suspended prison sentence and fined for the disappearances of 150 garden gnomes in 1997, according to CNN.
• Violation: Cruelty to Gnomes, Kidnapping, False Imprisonment
• Sentence: Wage liens for all necessary gnome therapy, aggressive counseling
Peeing Fountains
Cute little cupid … is taking a leak. Now there’s a humiliating job, standing out in someone’s yard day in and day out, in full view of the commuting public, in a pose of never-ending, um, relief. This one is so patently obvious, it needs no explanation.
• Violation: Performing a lewd act in public.
• Sentence: Your pedestal
awaits …
