Once upon a time there was heartburn.
Once upon a time there was heartburn. This was a condition that has afflicted man since Cro-Magnon days when our heavy-browed antecedents, refusing as usual to listen to the continuously-offered sage advice of their wives, would insist on slathering extra-thick three-alarm barbecue sauce on the mastodon ribs at Raiders tailgate parties. Several hours and 19 brewskies later the parking lot would be full of groaning, belching higher primates in silver and black facepaint, thumping their chests and creatively cursing the fact that Rolaids hadn’t been invented yet. This is also the true source of all the ancient legends about fire-breathing dragons.
This common ailment lasted without substantial change well into the current era, when the introduction of over-the-counter antacids drove dragons to extinction and enabled the Raider Nation to add chili, nachos, bean dip, and when the old machismo was really on the line, jalapenos straight from the jar to their pre-game fare knowing that so long as the glove compartment was well-stuffed with Tums they would make it home without unwanted tears ruining their mascara.
Ah, but over-the-counter heartburn remedies are cheap, in fact too cheap for the all-engulfing drug companies in their endless search for new ways to obscenely profit from mankind’s suffering. And so in a brilliant flash of marketing genius heartburn was as magically as a wave of Harry Potter’s wand transformed from a mere temporary inconvenience to a high-class malady with the grand name of Acid Reflux Disease. Now that we’re talking disease we can talk prescription medication, and instead of dollars-per-ton for antacids we’re talking dollars-per-pill for “The Purple Pill Called Nexium” which currently has a bigger advertising budget than the war with Iraq. It is of course only a matter of time before we are besieged at every turn of the dial with rival commercials for pills in other impactful colors for you to Ask Your Doctor About in order to fight this terrible affliction which has amazingly burst upon the scene at precisely the same time as the FTC took the limits off drug company advertising.
Based on widespread reports of doctors hurling themselves from tall buildings after one too many patients Asked Them About Nexium it appears that the ad campaign has been a blazing success, and that no doubt millions are now convinced that they are not simply guilty of overdosing on spicy food but are instead the innocent victims of a real live disease. You can see the next step coming, can’t you; of course you can.
Coming soon to a television near you: Current Slang Non-Comprehension Disease. Are you tragically unable to keep up with hip-hop slang terms as they change daily? Are you still saying “bad” meaning good, and “phat” meaning good, and “fly” meaning good? Do you hear professional athletes and pop stars speak on TV and you have no idea what the hell they’re talking about? Chances are you are a victim of CSN-CD, but there’s help. Ask your doctor about Perplexium.
Or perhaps you have been driven into a state of nearly-total dysfunction by unending bad news about the economy – layoffs followed by stock market free-fall followed by uncertainty about war followed by Britney Spears suddenly becoming passe. It just seems to be one thing after another, doesn’t it? If so, you’re probably deep in the throes of Why Does The Economy Hate Me Disease. But now thanks to the wizards at Drugs R Us, Inc. those with generous HMOs who suffer from this frightening malady have new hope. Ask your doctor about Whatsnextium.
With enough creative, financially-motivated minds we should be able to cure diseases almost as fast as we can manufacture them. Ask your doctor about Inventium.
