A recent survey by www.superpages.com found that 75 percent of
women expected their significant others to spend less than $50 on a
gift for their sweethearts.
I know. They didn’t survey me, either.
A recent survey by www.superpages.com found that 75 percent of women expected their significant others to spend less than $50 on a gift for their sweethearts.
I know. They didn’t survey me, either.
But the truth is, I wonder about how this survey was even approached in the first place. Look, as an official member of the female gender, I can tell you that when it comes to surveys about presents, it’s all in the way you ask.
For example, if the question was “Do you expect your significant other to spend MORE than $50 this Valentine’s Day?” of course 75 percent of the women said no. They don’t want to look greedy.
On the other hand, if the question were phrased as “Do you expect your significant other to spend LESS than $50 on Valentine’s Day?” that very same 75 percent of women surveyed would say no. This is because they don’t want their significant others to look like cheapskates. Do you see where I’m going with this?
That’s right. Men can’t win.
And the reason they can’t win is because we women are complex human beings. We don’t want to come right out and demand expensive gifts – or even cheapskate ones, for that matter.
Instead, women construct an elaborate labyrinth of hints and suggestions that men are supposed to decipher so that we get the gifts we want.
Unfortunately, most men don’t get this. Look, I’m not trying to be sexist. This is just the way the world works. Women give hints. Men misunderstand. And Valentine’s Day turns out to be the Day of the Big Breakup instead of the Day Love Was Declared.
But I’m here to help you.
That’s right. I’m here today to make sure that men understand what women want for Valentine’s Day.
To help men truly enjoy this special day, I’ve made a list of things your significant other may say to you in the vain hope that you will actually understand what she wants – and most importantly – get it for her.
It’s the thought that counts.
No, it isn’t. When a woman turns to you, looks you in the eye and purrs this little phrase, you had better run.
Because it isn’t the thought that counts at all. A woman only says this when she is sitting in her cubicle on Valentine’s Day staring at the limp red rose you bought her at the gas station on the way to work and her rival in the cube next door is raving over a bouquet of three dozen red roses imported from Chile.
Frankly, recovering from this phrase is difficult and best achieved by selling your most valuable possessions, going into debt for the next hundred years and buying your significant other the largest diamond ever mined.
I just want someone to wash the dishes after dinner.
Okay, this one is easy – but for some reason trips up most males. Look, when your significant other says this, it doesn’t mean that after she’s spent an entire day whipping up a romantic dinner for two that you should jump up and load the dishwasher. Instead it means, “Take me out to dinner, you cheapskate.”
Wouldn’t it be nice to have dinner at home this year?
Unlike the dishwashing comment above, this comment actually doesn’t mean that your significant other wants to go out to dinner.
Instead it means that your significant other would like to receive a homemade dinner from you.
And, just in case you were wondering, “homemade” doesn’t mean “Swanson Hungry Man Dinner.” It means get out a recipe book and try to cook. And it also means that you do the dishes.
I don’t need anything to prove your love.
If you interpret this as “Yippee, I don’t have to buy a present this year,” you are insane. You see, while your significant other may not need anything to prove your love – her friends do. So buy something nice and heart shaped with diamonds.
For the truly gift-challenged, I can only offer this advice: Buy a teddy bear that has “I Love You” on it. Trust me. A tiny, $2 bear can make your Valentine’s Day successful.
And you don’t have to worry about what your significant other wants or interpret what she’s saying or go so far into debt your children will still be paying off the jewelry long after you’re gone.
Because any woman will tell you that an “I Love You” trumps flowers, diamonds and dinner any day of the year.
