The other day it occurred to me that I could solve the world’s problems with one invention. I’m talking ALL of the world’s problems. OK, maybe not every single one. Possibly, we can exclude world hunger from the list of things I can solve. And world peace may be too lofty a goal for me. And I may not cure any diseases. But trust me when I say, I can move mountains by inventing one thing: The sarcasm font.
Oh, please. Who among us hasn’t needed a sarcasm font at least once in our lives? I know I personally have needed the sarcasm font on many, many occasions. Really. It’s an every day need for me. Like water. Or air to breathe. In fact, I’ve pretty much needed a sarcasm font since I learned to type. And I’m pretty sure you could us one as well.
Think about it. A sarcasm font is probably the most needed thing in the 21st century. Marriages will be saved. Friends will never be lost over a misunderstood text. Stupid, vague Facebook posts will be a thing of the past. We will live in peace and harmony and sarcasm forever. It will be a beautiful thing.
And all because of the sarcasm font.
Oh, yes, I do know someone has already invented a way to detect written sarcasm. You take italics and swish them to the left. But, please. There are so many issues with this. I mean, first of all—do you see that option in your fonts list? No. No, you don’t. And Microsoft Word has no checkbox for sarcasm formatting. Seriously. I checked in the format text thingy. I can make things shadowed. I can underline stuff. But I cannot make my words look sarcastic. It’s ridiculous.
But even if you could swish your italics, let’s face some cold, hard facts. Backward leaning italics just look stupid. And most people don’t realize you are formatting for sarcasm. They just think you’re an idiot who can’t format italics correctly.
But what if you had an entire font at your disposal? A font that screamed “I’m sarcastic and I’m here to poke fun at your Facebook status that only says ‘sigh’ because those types of postings are so freaking annoying they make me want to unfriend you.” What if you could text your friends in a font that did, indeed, inform them you are using sarcasm when you reply “I’m in” to their request that you accompany them on an undersea voyage to finally discover the lost city of Atlantis?
And let’s not even get into Tweeting. The world of Twitter needs a sarcasm font. It requires one. In fact, it should be against the law to Tweet anything without using a sarcastic font. Think of the lives that would be saved. The celebrities that could Tweet away and look witty and sarcastic, instead of stupid and deserving of pity. Oh sure, they could use hashtags to denote sarcasm, but let’s be honest. Hashtags are weird. And difficult to read. And if you have to read a Tweet followed by #sarcasm in order to get it, you lose the sarcastic impact. Trust me. I’ve been there, hashtagged that. It doesn’t work.
And Instagram? I mean, sure there’s a photo that can convey a sense of sarcasm. But think about it. What if people don’t understand the sarcastic correlation between the photo and the words? Or what if, heaven forbid, there is no sarcastic correlation between the photo and the words, but people think there is one? (Cough *Kim Kardashian’s Instagram* cough.) We could solve this by just having a simple, sarcastic font. (Sadly, there is probably no cure for Kim Kardashian’s Instagram, but I digress.)
And that is why I’m telling you a sarcasm font is exactly what the world needs now. A font that shows people, “we are sarcastic and we are not afraid to show it.” And once I invent this font, all of South Valley will be there when I accept the Nobel Peace Prize, right in the middle of downtown Gilroy, which will forever be known as the Garlic and Sarcasm Font Capital of the World. And the world will thank me. #sarcasm.
Laurie Sontag is a Gilroy writer and mom who wishes parenthood had come with a how-to-guide. You can contact her at La****@la**********.com.
