If you have had occasion to interface with any area of local or
state government recently you have probably noticed that
California’s budget crisis has hit the ground running,
big-time.
If you have had occasion to interface with any area of local or state government recently you have probably noticed that California’s budget crisis has hit the ground running, big-time. If California had a home it would have been evicted and would be living in a refrigerator box over a heating grate. it would qualify for welfare but it wouldn’t be able to afford to pay itself, it would be entitled to MediCal benefits but it would have laid off all the doctors.
Perhaps you have, for example, tried calling your county recorder’s office to ask a simple question about filing a deed or locating a birth certificate, and been trapped in an automated phone system longer than the average time served for a non-violent felony. In fact, I suggest that we can save a great deal of money in prison construction costs by allowing judges the discretion to order punishment consisting of a phone call to some public agency in an attempt to transact a bit of business. Months, possibly years would pass as the felon’s will to live is gradually drained away by the endless repetition of a horrible recording of ”The Girl from Ipanema” performed on accordion and harmonica.
As a deterrent to recidivism I believe it’s effectiveness would be unmatched. Ex-thieves would be turning in merchandise they hadn’t even stolen, pleading ”Please, please don’t make me call a government agency again. for my last offense they made me phone in a stolen bicycle report to my local police department, and now my therapist says I’ll never be able to get ‘Strangers in the Night’ out of my head for the rest of my life.”
It is obvious that we need money fast. We need it before budget cuts force the CHP to put ticket-writing cops on commission. We need it before public libraries change their open times to 15 minutes every other Tuesday. We need it before the residents of every block get a notice saying that henceforth we’re responsible for our own street repairs, accompanied by a 10-percent-off coupon for asphalt at OSH. We need, in short, a lot of new user fees, maybe such as …
Toll sidewalks: Hey, back east they’re big on They-Ain’t-Free-Ways. You get on a highway, you get a card at the booth; you leave the highway, you turn in the card and pay The Man by the mile. Now even here they’re looking at charging a toll to let people drive solo in the carpool lane. Nicknamed the ”Lexus lane,” this shows two things: first, we really are getting desperate, and second, we’ll be seeing a new kind of traffic ticket for those who don’t pay the toll called ”Driving in the rich lane while poor.” So why not sidewalks? We give everybody a tracking device, plant some sensors around, and send folks a bill at the end of the month based on miles walked. If you don’t pay up, no garbage pickup, and if you want to complain we’ll give you the number of a nice government agency you can call to try to talk to somebody about it. How does six weeks of Tom Jones warbling ”What’s New Pussycat?” ringing in your ears sound.
Obnoxious teen-ager fee: Tired of listening to the neighbor kids sitting around the pool across your back fence at all hours playing hip-hop tunes and making you jealous that they’re young and irresponsible and you’re not? Turn ’em in; their parents will get billed fifty bucks per complaint. Either our neighborhoods will get a lot quieter or we’ll be rolling in money – a win-win situation.
There are lots of other things we could charge fees for: bad jokes, people with scrawny legs wearing shorts in public, a daily fee charged to all lawyers for being lawyers – I’m sure you could think of a few. Write your legislator with all the suggestions you can dream up to generate some public cash. Of course, the response will be that the next user fee is a charge for writing to your legislator, but still, we need the money.
