If the NFL players are locked out or even if a settlement is
reached, some of your Sunday afternoon (or Sunday night, Monday
night, Thursday night and sometimes Saturday night) heroes may no
longer be able to wrap themselves in the lifestyles to which
they’ve grown accustomed.
By Michael Hunt – Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
If the NFL players are locked out or even if a settlement is reached, some of your Sunday afternoon (or Sunday night, Monday night, Thursday night and sometimes Saturday night) heroes may no longer be able to wrap themselves in the lifestyles to which they’ve grown accustomed.
They will be closer – but not that much closer – to regular-guy status in that some will have to get by with less money.
In the event of the much-needed rookie cap, your basic first-year schlub will no longer be able to command the Ferrari salesman’s attention with a $325,000 salary.
If the maximum yearly gross is going to be fixed at $25.5 million, well, sir, Tom and Gisele just might have to let go of some of the household staff.
You feel for this real-world intrusion on their gilded cocoons, but this is where the players’ union is here to help.
To its constituency, the NFLPA has issued a 64-page handbook to help the players cope with the loss of income, whether all funds are temporarily cut off by a work stoppage or some salaries are reduced by a new collective-bargaining agreement.
The book has some really helpful hints, such as to prepare meals at home instead of going out to eat, lowering the thermostat and washing clothes in cooler water.
And we’re thinking, “Gadzooks! Why didn’t that occur to us when our paychecks were either slashed or completely disappeared during three of the most difficult economic years in recent memory?”
Why, oh why, do only the privileged get the best inside dope?
But wait, my fellow common man and woman, there is more we can learn from the money-saving insights the NFLPA is passing on to its workforce:
Defer buying “motorized toys” and expensive jewelry. Reduce the size of your entourage.
Again, you’re slapping yourself upside the head and thinking, “If only I hadn’t bought that used Lionel train set and the Timex on eBay after a second glass of Two Buck Chuck, maybe I wouldn’t be trying to balance my diet with that speck of pork in the cold beans can.”
It’s about this time that you also realize that Smelly Pete and Sponger Joe, unlike Johnny Drama and Turtle, can do nothing for you.
The NFLPA guide goes on to recommend that the players save 25 percent of their salary, leave clubs with “budget and wallet intact,” dine out to network for that life-after-football job, learn how to diplomatically turn down friends and family who ask for money and don’t pay friends for jobs you can do.
I’m guessing waxing the Bentley isn’t the same as giving Shade Tree Bob a fiver to thaw a water pipe with a blow torch that time he burned down the trailer.
Mortgage assistance and interest-free loans are available to the players, and some are taking the tips to heart. New Orleans fullback Heath Evans told USA Today he has sold two homes to fund a $250,000 emergency account for his family in case of a lockout.
Well, good for Evans. Seriously. And good for the overwhelming majority of NFL players who have the common sense to take care of themselves at a time when their livelihood is being threatened.
The handbook is intended for the small percentage of knuckleheads who run out and spend their entire paychecks on unnecessary trappings. It’s those guys who worry the union, because the flat-broke player is going to be the first to capitulate in a dispute the players deserve to win.
Even the smartest and most frugal player is subject to a brutally short career. These singularly gifted people should get whatever the market will bear when they can get it.
But the ones who foolishly spent their money while the storm clouds were gathering are the same guys who just might light a $100 cigar with the handbook. They can go hang with Smelly Pete, Sponger Joe and Shade Tree Bob while looking for a real job like the rest of us.
