And it came to pass in the time of Caesar Augustus that a decree
went out that all the world should be taxed, including Joseph who
didn’t have bubkes and had been on disability for some time and was
just about to acquire another exemption.
And it came to pass in the time of Caesar Augustus that a decree went out that all the world should be taxed, including Joseph who didn’t have bubkes and had been on disability for some time and was just about to acquire another exemption. And so he and his wife Mary journeyed to Bethlehem, but there was no room at the inn.
Innkeeper: Sorry, full up, no can do – didn’t you see the “Noeth Vacancy” sign out front?
Joseph: Look, buddy, we need a room. My wife is about to have a blessed event, and I really, really mean that. There must be something.
Innkeeper: Well, I’ve got a, uh, studio out back. It’s a little rustic, but if you’re pressed for accommodation we can take a look at it.
Joseph: Hey, this place looks like a stable, you call this a rental?
Innkeeper: Look fella, you blow into town, middle of the holidays, no reservation, cardboard suitcase, flea-bitten donkey – you were expecting maybe the Ritz?
Joseph: Well, OK, but I want a sharing-with-farm-animals discount on the rate.
Hours later:
Innkeeper: Say, were you folks expecting company?
Joseph: Interruptions already? Could we get a little peace and quiet? We just had a baby and I’m getting a kind of late start on parenting, so I’d really like to do a little bonding here. You know, they grow up so fast and before you know it they’re walking on water and raising the dead and they don’t need you any more – all the books say I have to take advantage of my quality time.
Innkeeper: Well, there’s three guys out here, say they’re kings or wise men – can’t keep their stories straight – and they’ve been following a star to find you … like I buy that one. Anyway, one of them set off the metal detector in the lobby, and he’s packing some serious gold. The other two’ve got some weird-smelling stuff – I think it must be designer drugs – but they say it’s real expensive and they want to give it all to your kid; sounds totally bogus to me.
Now, these guys fit the profile of suspicious characters: middle-eastern looking, weird names, crazy story, no visible means of support. I think they’re here to buy something from you, information maybe; you got any secret documents hidden away in those swaddling clothes? You know we’re on high alert around here. The assistant night manager says we ought to ship these guys off to a detention camp for an indeterminate time without charges, maybe grill ’em a little, see if they belong to any terrorist organizations.
Joseph: OK, for one thing, Homer, we all look middle-eastern; this is the Middle East. And if you think Balthazar, Gaspar, and Melchior are weird names, have you looked at an NFL player roster lately? And lighten up on the valuables; someday you’re gonna tell your grandkids that you met the guys who gave the very first Christmas presents. By then you’ll be wishing for the days when a holiday shopping list only had one name on it. Now don’t mess with history – let them in.
And so the three wise men entered and adored the child and gave him their gifts. And having been warned about the wrath of King Herod, who was in a snit of Biblical proportions about the rumors of a new and better king in Judea, they returned home by another route. And Mary and Joseph and the child were forced to go and hide in Egypt where the political climate was friendlier for the moment. Thus did the child enter a most troubled region of a most troubled world.
Conditions did not improve.
Robert Mitchell practices law in Morgan Hill. His column has appeared in The Dispatch for more than 20 years. It’s published every Tuesday.
