Memo:
To: GWB
From: Karl Rove
Subject: Suggestions for the convention and remaining
campaign
Memo:
To: GWB
From: Karl Rove
Subject: Suggestions for the convention and remaining campaign
1. I believe it would be a good idea if you, through your surrogates, stop implying that John Kerry didn’t really earn his medals, insinuating that they were awarded as the result of a rigged process. People are liable to think they’re still watching the Olympics.
2. It is very important that you cease referring to Iraq in private conversation as “my preciousssss.” You’re creeping people out.
3. The suggestion I passed along to you last week that you adopt a campaign theme song is a good one. However, the suggestion that it be “I Fought the War and the War Won” turns out to have been offered by a Democratic mole.
4. An executive from Sony Entertainment has offered to supply us with a dialogue coach from one of their movie studios to meet with you for an hour a day four days a week to teach you how to pronounce the word “nuclear.” He believes that in no more than six weeks he can make you sound like someone fully capable of speaking English. Depending on which nations you plan to initiate war against during your second term, it’s a word that could come up often, so I think this might be worth pursuing.
5. I suggest you use great care when giving excuses for the war. For example, you absolutely must avoid explanations like “Our decision to go to war was unfortunately based on inadequate intelligence.” There’s room there for misinterpretation.
6. It looks certain that Dick Cheney will have to debate John Edwards at least once during the campaign. I suggest we order whatever network carries it to build in a seven-second audio delay like they do for the MTV Awards, in case Dick loses it again and becomes obscene like he did with Senator Leahy. Our claim to be defenders of family values takes something of a hit when the family we sound like is Ozzy Osbourne’s.
7. I suggest we try to avoid basing our whole campaign on attacking Kerry and Edwards – I don’t know, it just seems negative somehow, and we’re better than that. JUST KIDDING! I thought you could use a little humor there. Still, we might consider spending at least a few million of our advertising budget on ads that highlight the good things of your first term. For example, we could do one on job creation – no, wait; let’s make it deficit reduction – no, wait; the environment – no, wait; we all feel safer now – no, wait. …
8. OK, I don’t think we’ve been attacking Kerry and Edwards enough; we need to get really down and dirty here. I know! Let’s get a group of puppets together to run ads claiming it’s not their real hair! I can see it now: “Hair Club Veterans for Truth – John Kerry didn’t earn that heroic gray mane. I know, because I did his implants.” I think we’re on to something. …
