As this coming week marks the start of National Child Abuse
Prevention Week, I am writing this for all of you who have been
touched by one of our nation’s largest epidemics. It was hard to
comprehend how the fun-loving dad I loved and trusted could be the
same person who began sexually abusing me as a child, one whose
secrets I would feel obligated to keep for many years at the
expense of my own well being.
As this coming week marks the start of National Child Abuse Prevention Week, I am writing this for all of you who have been touched by one of our nation’s largest epidemics.
I had always looked up to my father. He was an amazing person in many ways, gifted with a golden tenor voice like Bing Crosby, a poet and an artist who could always answer the most difficult questions on “Jeopardy.”
But I understood from age 7 that my silence about our family secret was what kept our precious little family of three together.
It was hard to comprehend how the fun-loving dad I loved and trusted could be the same person who began sexually abusing me as a child, one whose secrets I would feel obligated to keep for many years at the expense of my own well being.
When it began, I felt completely under his control, powerless, with nothing I could do in my own defense. I thought that what was happening was my fault. Why did he pick me? It must be because there was something bad about me as a person.
When someone close to you is sweet and caring one minute, and then transforms into someone unrecognizable who causes you harm the next, you are on guard all the time. You lie awake wondering when the next shock is going to come, never feeling safe in your own home. You barricade the bedroom door at night with your toy box.
You wonder what you have done that makes you so unlovable that your own parent can’t resolve not to hurt you anymore. You feel overwhelming feelings of shame and worthlessness. You think that no one else can relate to what you are going through.
What I didn’t know is that 47 percent of all reported sexual assaults on children are by family members and 49 percent are by those who know the child or the child’s family – teachers, coaches, physicians, neighbors and pastors.
Even as an adult, there were nights when I cried myself to sleep. There were days when I experienced flashbacks that played and replayed like a bad home movie in my head with no “stop” button for me to hit.
It was only when I began sharing my story with others that I discovered I was not alone.
I discovered how helpful my own pain could be in making others feel comfortable to open up and share theirs. What once seemed like the unredeemable nightmare of my past became a tool for helping others.
Now I know that my dad unintentionally taught me many things. He taught me that appearances can be very deceiving and that I should never take anyone at face value, no matter how attractive – or not. He taught me to take responsibility for any harm I cause. He taught me to approach others with empathy because you never know what kind of pain another person is carrying around.
It was another former Santa Clara County resident who inspired me to write about this. My old Sunnyvale neighbor, Teri Hatcher, well-known star of ABC’s hit show “Desperate Housewives,” revealed her own experience of sexual abuse at the hands of her uncle 35 years after the fact.
Her courage in coming forward to work with Santa Clara County prosecutors put her abuser behind bars after a 14-year-old victim of his committed suicide.
Successful survivors such as Hatcher show you don’t have to be a victim whose life is defined by the bad things that have happened to you.
You have something unique to offer.
You are one of a kind.
You are the only you there will ever be in the entire history of the world.
Sometimes we only see the backside of the tapestry of life with all its imperfections and poor stitching, but the day will come when we will walk around to the other side and see the golden threads of the full design in all its glory.
Don’t allow your abuser to victimize you a second time by suffering in silence. Bringing secrets out into the light takes away their power. There is no fear that can hold me back anymore because I know that I can survive anything. After this heartache, there is a resiliency that only survivors of traumatic experience share.
And you are a survivor too.
Find one other person you can talk to. Do whatever you have to do to take that first step towards getting help. Don’t stay in the darkness. Come on out and join us here in the light.
For reporting numbers in your area, call the Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD – (1-800-422-4453). Calls are anonymous and toll-free. State-of-the-art technology provides translators 24 hours a day in 170 languages. Visit childhelp.org.
Hidden epidemic
– A report of child abuse is made every 10 seconds.
– Children who experience child abuse are 59 percent more likely to be arrested as a juvenile, 28 percent more likely to be arrested as an adult, and 30 percent more likely to commit violent crime.
– About two-thirds of the people in treatment for drug abuse were abused as children.
– It is estimated between 60 to 85 percent of child fatalities due to mistreatment are not recorded as such on death certificates.
– The estimated annual cost of child abuse in the United States is more than $104 billion.
– Source: childhelp.org
