I’ll be the first to admit that Valentine’s Day hasn’t always
been high on my list of favored holidays. All that hearts and
flowers stuff just didn’t do it for me. But after a while, it’s
difficult to resist the allure of a day where you get to eat tons
of chocolate and drink champagne. Seriously, what’s not to
like?
I’ll be the first to admit that Valentine’s Day hasn’t always been high on my list of favored holidays. All that hearts and flowers stuff just didn’t do it for me. But after a while, it’s difficult to resist the allure of a day where you get to eat tons of chocolate and drink champagne. Seriously, what’s not to like?
Unfortunately, this year Valentine’s Day has been hit with a serious case of the recession blues. Sure, last year it was cool to refinance your over-valued home and blow all the cash on French champagne and imported chocolates – or better yet, go to France and drink champagne and eat chocolate. But this year, it’s not so cool. And it has the potential to make the best holiday ever a total bummer.
But as usual, I have come through to save you from being alone and bitter, wondering when you will find true love and eat massive amounts of chocolate again. OK, fine. I’m not so much help in the true love department, but the chocolate and champagne are right up my alley.
First of all, let’s discard the silly notion that French is better. Yes, it worked for fries. I mean, all that Freedom Fry nonsense did was make the forbidden pommes frittes taste better. (“Pommes frittes” means “fried potatoes” in French. Or possibly “free pom-poms.”) In any event, champagne doesn’t have to be French to taste good. In fact, the only difference between good champagne and the stuff that costs $1.99 at Wal-Mart is one thing: the first glass.
That’s right. One glass of bubbly and most people start feeling a bit happy. And once that person is a bit happy, he/she won’t notice that the stuff in the glass tastes like vinegar mixed with used motor oil from your neighbor’s rusted out ’52 Chevy. Trust me. I speak from experience here. I was once a champagne-swilling teenager.
As for the chocolates, honestly, do the French have anything on green M&Ms? I think not. So forget the fancy heart-shaped boxes of chocolates. They’re overrated and filled with those icky marshmallow things. Go with the green. You can’t go wrong.
Now, what V-Day would be complete without flowers? Yes, roses are the traditional choice. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, though, it’s not exactly prime rose harvesting season. So, roses, like the old-school champagne and chocolates we all gorged on last year, are expensive, not to mention imported or hothouse grown. (Imported and hothouse grown are French for “more expensive than tuition at a good four-year college.”)
So do yourself a favor. Don’t buy roses. Instead, steal whatever is blooming from your neighbor’s yard, tie a ribbon around it and call it a gift. If you can’t bring yourself to steal, buy a bunch of daisies at Wal-Mart. Look, as a woman I can tell you, a rose by any other name – even if the name is daisy – really does smell as sweet. Of course, I have allergies, but I’m pretty sure it’s the same for everyone.
Moving right along, you have to do dinner. Nobody wants cheap champagne and M&Ms unless dinner is involved. Now you don’t need to go to a fancy French place where your date will order something super-fancy and French-sounding only to discover that it’s just a cheeseburger and fries (or, as we international types like to say, “cheeseburger and pommes frittes”). Instead, do dinner at home. Make it or, better yet, buy a pizza and put it on some nice plates. Use cloth napkins and tons of candles. Not only do the candles provide perfect romantic atmosphere, using them means nobody has to know your PG&E has been turned off.
And for the “piece de resistance” (French for “woo-hoo you romantic devil”), you have to dance. Personally, I try never to dance because I find that stepping on people’s feet isn’t as romantic as it sounds. However, I have also found that a gift of steel-toed shoes usually takes care of that. Just try not to twirl your date too much after he/she’s full of pizza, M&Ms and cheap champagne. Believe me, you don’t want to end the evening with a hurling contest.
And if you are very lucky, an evening spent at home with somebody you love – or at least somebody who was willing to date you on the most romantic night of the year – will be the best Valentine’s Day ever. Or as the French say, Saint Valentin meilleurs jamais.
