After watching television for two hours the other night, I
 wanted to drop out of society and move to a desert where there
are no video games.
After watching television for two hours the other night, IÂ wanted to drop out of society and move to a desert where there are no video games.
 There has to be a desert like that. Sort of a cultural Area 51. If you try to enter this area with an XBox, guys in green uniforms materialize and make you go home.
I don’t even remember the show I was watching. Honest. Charles Barkley or Marlon Brando might have been involved. Whoopi Goldberg or Jude Law might have been the center square. I just know for certain that Martha Stewart wasn’t involved, because you’ve got to draw the line somewhere.
I just know that after the 20th commercial for a video game, my personality changed. I wanted to do illegal things and drive in an unsafe manner.
And don’t tell me to get up at the commercials to go stir-fry vegetables. You can’t stir-fry during every commercial, and you can’t get a beer or a Coke during every commercial. If you do that you will become Tom Arnold, and no one wants that.
So I got beaten senseless by commercials for video games. I didn’t stand up to it. In fact, I felt a need to see what came next.
In the first one, a sweating young man drove way beyond the speed limit and approached a blockade of police cars. A calm voice described a “need for speed.”
Next came a quick ad where the calm voice said “How will you die?”
Then there was an ad for a Western game. The words “Greed. Lust. Robbery. Sex. Death” flashed across the screen while creepy computer-generated people engaged in acts normally reserved for office holiday parties. Or an episode of “Deadwood.” Then the calm voice came on and said, “They can’t be illegal if there is no law.”
It was like a weekend in Las Vegas.
Then came the ad for a game called True Crime, New York City. This one features “grand larceny, robbery,” but in a positive way. The star is a young man who was a criminal but is now a peace officer who beats people while the calm voice says, “They don’t respect this, maybe they’ll respect this.”
After a while, you start to get a little mixed up. But I’m pretty sure the next one had a famous rapper, or a character who looked like one, who takes things from people in a violent manner and who says, “What’s mine’s is mine’s, what’s yours is mine’s.”
Ho ho ho, nothing like the spirit of giving this time of year.
The friendliest ad I saw stars Tony Hawk, a guy who has made a heck of living riding skateboards.
The title? “Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland.” What else would it be?
After a couple of hours of this I said to myself, “There’s violence for every taste in this country, and that’s what diversity is all about.”
After a couple of hours of this I wanted to steal, cheat, hit, experience rough intimacy and work firearms. And not just dinky little handguns. I wanted to fire things that could take out a parking garage.
And I understood clearly that if I actually played these games I would do nothing else. I would want to shoot, steal and cheat at all hours. I have friends who are responsible citizens and considered rational, caring people but will stay up until 3am challenging perfect strangers to a shootout to the death.
Me, I’m the sensitive, responsible type. I’m about peace and goodwill. I sometimes drink herbal tea. After two hours of these commercials, I knew quiet time was in order. Solitary moments of mindfulness. I needed to come down.
So the next morning I watched a football game. It was a hard-hitting contest played in freezing weather. My balance was restored.
At least I thought so. Later in the day a friend called and asked what I was up to.
“I’m gonna sweat profusely, drive my Ford Ranger at dangerous speeds and beat anyone who gets in my way. Then I’m moving to a safe desert.” I said.
“I was going to invite you to a party,” she said. “But I can see you’re busy. Maybe another time.”
Maybe I needed a little more calm time. A hockey game or some reality TV might settle me down.
