My son has been waiting anxiously to finally see The Movie. You
know, The Movie that tells fifth-graders across the country where
babies come from. Apparently, that is the culmination of his young
life. I don’t get it. I mean, I told him where babies come from. I
even showed him a really good movie called
”
How the Stork Brings Babies to Good Mommies and Daddies Who
Sleep in Twin Beds.
”
Great flick, by the way. Very informative.
My son has been waiting anxiously to finally see The Movie. You know, The Movie that tells fifth-graders across the country where babies come from. Apparently, that is the culmination of his young life. I don’t get it. I mean, I told him where babies come from. I even showed him a really good movie called “How the Stork Brings Babies to Good Mommies and Daddies Who Sleep in Twin Beds.” Great flick, by the way. Very informative.
Unfortunately, my video didn’t cut it. All Junior has talked about since August is The Movie. Now, I realized early on that Junior would need some preparation for The Movie. OK, actually I realized it one evening in May when, over dinner, Junior asked Harry and I if The Movie would be X-rated.
After we made it absolutely clear that the movie wasn’t a fifth-grade version of a Jenna Jameson “film,” we tried to discover where on earth Junior had learned that there even was such a thing as an X-rated movie. This was a nice diversion from having to drag the stork movie out again. You know, once is really enough to watch a movie about giant birds dropping babies on rooftops.
A few days later, though, I overheard Junior talking to a friend. It seems Junior was absolutely convinced that The Movie would star the girls from Hooters and that he would be – and I quote – “able to see boobs that weren’t related to (him).” I can only assume he meant bosoms and not some of the members of our family that may seem a bit more foolish than others.
Well, I just can’t tell you how much this pained me. Clearly my son had not seen the truth of the dang stork movie. Also, I’m a fairly modest person with a working lock on my door. So just whom was this kid ogling? And where had he heard of Hooters? I don’t eat at Hooters. Harry doesn’t eat at Hooters. Or at least he’d better not be.
In any event, I felt I needed to step up to the plate and tell Junior the truth. The girls from Hooters don’t make guest appearances in movies that are shown to fifth-grade boys. And I further told him that he would not be seeing private parts in The Movie. The Movie was an educational tool, not “Girls Gone Wild.” OK, I didn’t actually say, “Girls Gone Wild,” because honestly, what mom in her right mind wants to explain that?
At first, he didn’t believe me. But then I told him about my sad experience with The Movie. I told him that in my day, we had no preparation for The Movie. One minute, we were sitting in class making a volcano explode using vinegar and baking soda and the next thing you know, BAM. Everybody is divided into gender groups and shown The Movie.
I told him there were no Hooters girls or Chippendale boys in my Movie. Instead, we saw a peach tree flower, and then watched as the peaches ripened to the strains of some violin music. And then there was a bunch of talk about eggs. I remember mostly that I was hungry after watching The Movie.
And that’s what made the gift we got after The Movie such a disappointment. I mean, here we were, fifth-grade girls, overwhelmed with talk about peaches and eggs but then, at the end of an intensely boring Movie, we were rewarded with a gift. Heck, that made the darned Movie worth it, right?
Um, wrong. Imagine my disappointment when I opened my box to find, among other things, a pamphlet entitled, “Growing up Female” and a belt that was so useless it didn’t even make a good slingshot. I don’t know what the boys got, but judging from the female presents, it probably wasn’t exactly a gift from Santa.
Of course Junior didn’t believe me. But after watching The Movie, Junior let me know in no uncertain terms that there wasn’t a single Hooters girl in the film and that he had waited all year for nothing. And I was glad to see that even though children grow up so fast now – some things just never change.
So I was sympathetic to my son’s disappointment. I even offered to find the stork movie and watch it with him. You know, just in case he had any questions about where babies come from.
