It’s 2006, and I know all of you are whipping through that list
of resolutions, right? Personally, I stopped making resolutions
years ago. All that stress of writing down how much weight I was
going to lose and how much nicer I was going to be to everyone. And
then I’d fail.
It’s 2006, and I know all of you are whipping through that list of resolutions, right? Personally, I stopped making resolutions years ago. All that stress of writing down how much weight I was going to lose and how much nicer I was going to be to everyone. And then I’d fail.
That’s why I make predictions. I find they’re easier, sort of like self-fulfilling prophecies. So here they are, my predictions for the new year.
1. I predict that in 2006 I will yet again forget to read my e-mails, including those from Junior’s teacher. Because of that, I will be doomed to repeat the mistakes of my past – namely, not knowing when I was supposed to send a $5 gift to school. That mistake caused me to run around 12 minutes before school started trying to find a gift that didn’t scream “I forgot to read my e-mails, so all you get is this used stress ball and a bag of old Halloween candy packaged in an attractive holiday tin.”
2. I predict that this year I will start 2006 with a diet but will end the diet after the second day, when I realize just how much weight I have to lose and how little food I get to eat to lose it. Instead, I will go back to my usual method of weight control: avoiding mirrors and bathroom scales.
3. I predict that this year, the other racing families at the go-cart track will learn my name instead of calling me “No. 18’s crazy mom” just because I spend most of my time standing against the fence. That gives me time with God so that Junior a) doesn’t hit the wall; b) doesn’t drive over another driver; c) doesn’t get driven over by another driver; or d) break a chain.
4. I further predict that this year, I will greet Junior after at least one race with “congratulations” instead of my usual “thank God you’re alive!” I further predict that I will fail in this effort and will remain forever known as “No. 18’s crazy mom.”
5. I predict that this year I will teach Junior to separate the whites from the darks, and he will finally be able to do his own laundry. This is so that Junior will not turn out to be exactly like his father, who last did a load of laundry in 1987 when he washed my new white angora sweater with his blue jeans and then dried the whole mess on high. I ended up with a blue angora, Barbie-sized sweater, and Harry never was allowed in the laundry room again.
6. I predict that this year Junior will do all the dishes after dinner. I further predict that many of my dishes will be broken during the first few times Junior washes them. So, I bought a full set of unbreakable dishes yesterday. Who says you can’t change the future?
7. I predict that, although the box says “unbreakable,” Junior will find a way to break one of the new unbreakable plates in a misguided effort to be taken off dish duty. But I predict that I will remain firm and make him do the dishes, and that I will have an extra set of unbreakable plates in the garage just in case Junior doesn’t give up easily.
8. I predict that Junior will complain, protest and whine about the additional chores. I further predict that he will start comparing notes with other kids in the neighborhood and quickly realize that he should never complain to me about the amount of work he does around the house – because I’ve made comparisons, too.
9. I predict that at least once during the year, I will have to call the plumber out to unclog the toilet. Actually, this is more of a tradition than a prediction. It happens every year.
10. I predict that on at least two occasions in 2006, I will get overenthusiastic about my cooking abilities and set the kitchen on fire. Again, this happens every year, so it’s more tradition than prediction – but why mess with a good thing? I get dinner in a restaurant, and the firefighters are usually easy on the eyes.
So, there you have them, my predictions for 2006. Unfortunately, we’ll never know if these predictions come to pass, because I predict that once I write this, I’ll lose the column and completely forget all about what I predicted in 2006.
