At some point in time, you have to teach your kid to cook. I
look at it as preparing your child to flee the nest.
At some point in time, you have to teach your kid to cook. I look at it as preparing your child to flee the nest. Of course, Junior’s only 10 – so he’s not quite ready to flee. But you know, it just started bugging me. I mean, how will Junior survive if the only thing he can cook is Easy Mac or cold cereal? Could I send my only child out into the cold world with no cooking skills whatsoever?
So the other night, I braved the kitchen and potential disaster by cooking with Junior. We started with something both of us can make: pizza. And I have to say, the conversation we had while making it was much better than the pizza, even if it was a bit one-sided.
Me: Yes, that’s the crust.
I know it’s thin.
It’s so it’ll be crispy.
No, we can’t put two of them together and make deep dish.
Because we can’t.
I don’t know why; the instructions just say you can’t. Thank you for accepting that.
Yes, I agree it’s pointless to argue about it since you can’t change it.
Sure, you’re being a grown-up.
No, that doesn’t mean you can see R-rated movies.
Please. I KNOW all your friend’s parents. Not one of your friends has ever seen an R-rated movie.
OK, maybe he has. But nobody else. Don’t touch the pizza before you wash your hands.
Yes, both hands.
Because I don’t know where your hands have been, so you need to wash them before you touch my food.
Fine. Now that I know where your hands have been, be sure to use the antibacterial soap, and lather up really good. In fact, wash your hands twice.
The next step is to put sauce on both pizzas. Use half the jar on one pizza and half on the other pizza.
No, I’m not trying to be sneaky and review fractions.
We have one can of sauce and two pizzas, you figure it out.
I know Grandpa hates canned sauce, but he’s not here, is he?
Fine. You can call him after dinner and tell on me.
No, he won’t give me a time out. Now take the sauce and swish it around with this swisher thing.
Yes, that’s really what it’s called.
Now put cheese all over your pizza, and put pepperoni only on half of it.
For Pete’s sake, I am not trying to sneak fractions in. You don’t want pepperoni, and Dad does.
The pepperoni does not smell like an old dog. Just put it on.
You aren’t a vegetarian. Vegetarians actually eat their veggies without being bribed, blackmailed or threatened with punishment. So please just put the pepperoni on the darned pizza.
Yes, I do think the pepperoni pattern looks great. I like pizzas that smile at me. Now, put the pizza in the oven.
Because you have to cook it. It’s not a “Lunchables” pizza.
I don’t care how delicious they are; in this house we cook our pizza.
Sushi isn’t pizza.
Yes, they cook their food in Japan. They don’t eat sushi all the time.
Yes, it would be fun to eat sushi all the time.
No, I don’t think that all homes in Japan have sushi trains in their kitchens.
It’s done. Take the potholder and take the pizza out.
I know you’re not holding a pot; it’s just what you call it.
No, it’s not like the swisher thing, it’s really called a potholder.
Now, let’s cut both of them into eight slices.
No, I am NOT trying to review fractions. That’s how you cut a pizza.
Yes, you can have two-eighths of the pizza to start.
Fine. I was trying to review fractions, but now that you’ve caught me, I’ll stop.
Yes, Dad wants two-eighths, also.
Yes, you’re right. That’s four-eighths or one-half of the pizza.
Yes, you are doing fine with fractions. And with pizza. It’s delicious.
Yes, it’s better than Mountain Mike’s.
No, we can’t get a pizza train.
Of course, the real miracle was that neither one of us caught the kitchen on fire. But you know, that could change at any moment. Especially because I think next week’s cooking lesson will involve chicken. Or maybe rice. Isn’t making rice just like boiling water? I can do that. I think. I just hope there aren’t any fractions involved.
Laurie Sontag is a Gilroy writer and mom who wishes parenthood had come with instructions. Her column is syndicated. She can be reached at la****@la**********.com.
