I haven’t spent all these years as a parent on this planet
without learning a thing or two about the holidays. I’ve learned
that sale items will always be out of stock.
I haven’t spent all these years as a parent on this planet without learning a thing or two about the holidays. I’ve learned that sale items will always be out of stock. I’ve learned that wherever you are, the last parking spot within 18 miles will be taken by the car in front of you. And I’ve learned that it’s almost impossible to give your children an equal amount of Christmas gifts.
Sure, I know what some of you are thinking. Some of you are thinking, “Now wait a minute, Lady. So maybe the first two are true, but that last one is NOT the real meaning of Christmas.” And, well, you’re right.
But those of you with kids over three know this is exactly the kind of thinking a parent needs to survive the holiday season. It’s called, my friends, the Gift-to-Kid ratio.
And the golden rule with the Gift-to-Kid ratio is that the gift-giving process must be equal at all times.
And don’t think for a minute that I’m exaggerating here. I mean, suddenly on Christmas morning, the very same kid, who couldn’t tie his shoes or count past 10 the night before, can scan the room in one millisecond and give a full report on who has more gifts. You’ll know the report is true, when they show you their pie charts and a break down of percentages. It’s mind-boggling, really.
And, hey, the concept seems simple enough. Take this year, for example. There I was on the way to the cash register, with the exact same number of gifts for each child in my cart. I envisioned them joyously opening them on Christmas morning just like a family in a Norman Rockwell painting or a ’50s TV sitcom.
But that was before I saw a pink pocket camera that would be perfect for my daughter. I tossed it in my cart and balanced it out with a Power Ranger set for my son. A few aisles later I added an Easy Bake Oven and an Erector Set. And that would’ve been all, except, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a jewelry maker and a Hello Kitty purse. ON SALE.
So you can see how volatile the Gift-to-Kid ratio can be.
In my defense, I tried to even things up again by going to another store the next day and buying two more gifts for my son. And that would’ve worked fine, except for the portable CD player I found for my daughter. And so on and so on.
But if you think that’s bad, let me just say they could be worse. Much, much worse. At last count, my friend Linda’s been to the mall 26 times trying to even out the gifts between her three children.
Eventually, I narrowed things down to a one-gift margin in my son’s favor. That’s practically even, but, as any parent will tell you, it’s not quite close enough for Christmas gift-giving standards.
Now, at this point you might wonder why I didn’t take something back to the store, or just give up and go hit the cheap cooking cherry. Both good strategies in theory, but then again, neither totally fool proof.
So, tricky me, I came up with a third option: I opened up my daughter’s portable CD player and wrapped the headphones separately, and, whamo! We had an even number of gifts.
Oh, OK, maybe there’s a message in here somewhere. Maybe it’s the obvious one that Christmas shouldn’t be about shallow consumerism. Or perhaps it’s that we need to teach our children that everything doesn’t always have to be equal. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s that I should have stronger willpower when shopping.
Whatever the reason, I have plenty of time to think about it.
I’m not leaving the house again. Ever.
