My, how time flies when you’re seeing the future.
My, how time flies when you’re seeing the future. December of 2002 has rolled around again, exactly as I predicted it would last year, and it’s time again for me to don my size 78 extra-large black robe, top it off with my pointed hat with the moon and stars on it (costume appropriated from Mickey Mouse in “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” segment of Fantasia – the Disney people will be suing me in the morning), and assume my annual role as this newspaper’s resident Top Psychic. As always, I will be prognosticating the important events of the coming year, as reported by the tabloids, and as always I predict that my predictions will be more accurate than those of any of the tabloid’s own Top Psychics; this prediction itself guarantees that my prediction will come true. Are we confused yet?
OK, remember you read it here first and tip your carrier appropriately.
Prediction Number One: The ultimate tabloid headline will appear. “JonBenet Found Alive! Will Graduate from Stanford Next Year – Police Chief admits ‘Oops! We bad!’ Former Child Beauty Queen Reported to Be Engaged to Ben Affleck! Jilted Jennifer Lopez Fumes, Has Sex Romp With Russell Crowe, Who Was Just Getting Back Together With Meg Ryan, Who Was Just Getting Back Together With Dennis Quaid, Who Retaliates By Going on Shopping Binge With Caroline Kennedy, Who Breaks Down When She Hears That Michael Jackson May Be Dying Because He Looks So Bad in a Photo Taken By Celebrity Photographer Annie Liebowitz, Who Was Seen Cuddling at a Trendy L.A. Restaurant With Mick Jagger, Who Is Quitting The Stones to Join a Monastery as Soon as He Settles a Nasty Paternity Suit Brought By Oprah Winfrey Who Has Shocking Information About Martha Stewart’s Sex Romp With Donald Rumsfeld!”
Prediction Number Two: The Bush administration, backed by a Republican-controlled Congress, will enact legislation to eradicate the word “economy” from the English Language altogether, upon pain of severe criminal penalties. “Just let the Democrats try to run against me now,” Bush will announce as he signs the National Patriot Red White and Blue Freedom Protection Act, which will contain a provision stating that “Any person using the term ‘economy’, ‘the economy’, ‘fuel economy’, or ‘economic’ in any public or private speech, oral, written, or mentally contemplated, shall be shipped off to Guantanamo Bay where that person shall be continuously subjected to an endlessly-repeating CD of ‘John Ashcroft Sings The Green Berets’ Favorite Love Songs’ for a period of not less than the time required for the DUIs to come off Dick Cheney’s driving record.” The Democratic leadership, unable to agree on an effective response or anything else, will move to Canada.
Prediction Number Three: Osama bin laden will sue New Line Cinema, claiming that the visualization of Saruman the White, the evil wizard in “The Lord of the Rings” films, appropriated bin Laden’s likeness without paying him royalties. The complaint will allege that the flowing robes, the long hair and beard, and the air of calculated malevolence clinging to the character are an image created and developed by bin Laden, and are thus intellectual property entitled to protection under the applicable copyright laws of the United States, Great Britain, and New Zealand. New Line will respond that the suit is entirely without merit. According to a representative of director Peter Jackson, “bin Laden’s no Saruman; he’s just a hairy plotter.”
I dare any tabloid Top Psychic to do better.
Robert Mitchell practices law in Morgan Hill. His column has appeared in The Dispatch for more than 20 years. It’s published every Tuesday.
