The Summer Olympics are upon us again and it reminds me that,
sadly, I have failed in my lifelong quest to make shoe shopping an
Olympic sport.
The Summer Olympics are upon us again and it reminds me that, sadly, I have failed in my lifelong quest to make shoe shopping an Olympic sport. I cannot tell you how depressing this is. Clearly, the Olympic officials do not understand the care and planning it takes to find designer shoes at excellent prices. They don’t understand the thrill of victory when you find Stuart Weitzman pumps on clearance in your size or the agony of the feet when you settle for a cheap imitation.
I’m telling you, it’s not fair. And it does dash my hopes for Olympic glory, because honestly, I’m an incredible shoe shopper. Yes, I can shop for other things, but when it comes to shoes I simply can’t be beat. Others may have deeper pockets, but I have the patience to wait for the sale. Anyway, in honor of the Olympics and my failed dreams of glory, I have invented the Shoe Olympics.
Every four years, women of the world will unite in a prime shopping area to compete. The official in charge of these glorious games will be Sarah Jessica Parker – or as we will call her, our “Fabulous Shoe Fashionista.” We will have an official drink, the pomegranate martini. And we will not win medals. We will win shoes. Wonderful, limited edition designer shoes guaranteed to fit even if our arches fall later in life. And these will be our events:
Marathon
Forget Kelly Ripa and her high-heeled marathon. Any woman who has ever chased after a runaway toddler has run a marathon in high heels. Ours, however, will be truly difficult. The shoe marathon will be held in 100-degree heat, in a mall parking lot. Competitors will be wearing flip-flops with rubber soles. For 24 miles, marathoners will run through the parking lot, trying to find their cars while simultaneously trying to keep their rubber soles from melting into the pavement. First one to find her car with her flip-flops intact wins. Competitors who use the panic button on the key fob to find their cars will be disqualified, as will women who pour water on the rubber soles to slow down the melting process.
Rhythmic Gymnastics
Competitors will wear 5-inch wedge espadrilles with satin ties. They will then perform choreographed dance/gymnastic routines set to music while the espadrilles slowly become untied, causing a pleasing and artistic floating ribbon effect. Each routine will last 3 minutes. Competitors who fall off their shoes, trip over their own ribbons or hit a spectator with a shoe that flies off during a handspring will be disqualified.
Greco-Roman Wrestling
Competitors will be placed in a designer shoe department. They will have to find and fight for the only pair of size 5 Stuart Weitzman diamond-encrusted sandals in the entire department. Hair pulling, shirt ripping and name calling is encouraged. The winner of this event will be the woman who emerges alive with both shoes unscathed by the wrestling. Bonus points will be given if she still has all of her hair.
Relay Swimming
Women will compete in teams of four. They will pass a pair of limited edition Manolo Blahniks in the relay. The first team to drop the shoe into the water will lose and will be banned for life from ever owning a pair of Manolos. Please, people. These shoes are precious. They don’t deserve to drown.
Fencing
Using spike heels, competitors will lunge, parry and yell “Jimmy Choo” while attempting to stab their opponents. Extra points will be given to women who compete the morning after imbibing a few too many pomegranate martinis. Warning: protective gear must be worn. Nobody wants their eye put out by a pair of sandals, no matter how cute the sandals may be.
Now these are events I could compete in and win. In fact, I think that quite possibly my shoe Olympics could be more rigorous than the regular games. Although I must say I’ve had lots of practice with the whole melting flip-flops/lost car marathon. Yes, that could very well be my gold medal event.
