Summer is officially over! Please know that I love my kids and
even though my world pretty much revolves around them, I’m so glad
school is starting. I’m already dreaming of long quiet mornings and
I eagerly anticipate my first day alone with plans to thoroughly
clean my house.
Summer is officially over! Please know that I love my kids and even though my world pretty much revolves around them, I’m so glad school is starting. I’m already dreaming of long quiet mornings and I eagerly anticipate my first day alone with plans to thoroughly clean my house.
Someone once told me that rearing kids was “the best years” of her life. I took in those words to heart and wound up feeling very guilty because I’m really not having THAT much fun. It made me wonder what was wrong with me. I had to think way back to the moment I decided to have my daughter. When did this become not so fun? In my mind I predicted happy times and fun-filled days. I imagined how full and rewarding my life would be. But you know, it just didn’t happen that way. Through a series of unfortunate choices, today I find myself rearing this child without her natural father and also rearing two step children. What this all means is that a lot of really tough choices have to be made. There really isn’t a lot of joy in that, nor do I find happiness seeing them each grieve in their own ways for their losses. They have to deal with visitation schedules and conflicting household rules. I don’t find any fun in seeing them struggling through life with their own “issues” and I feel guilty for my part in making poor choices that affected my daughter. It doesn’t feel rewarding to see the circumstances that affect my step children and how they have to deal with it. They’re just kids and it’s not their fault that their lives are hard sometimes. They’re definitely facing issues that kids in a biological household would never think about. I sadly suspect they won’t look back on these years as “the best years” of their lives either.
Knowing this is their reality, I try really hard to make up for it. I put a lot of effort into getting everyone where they needed to be all summer with the worries of their emotional status always on my mind. That’s not fun. I drove to guitar lessons, driving school, the water park, Gilroy Gardens, the Library and the downtown movies. I let them watch the tv all day if they wanted. I lightened up on their chores and expanded computer time. I stopped prioritizing cleaning my dirty floors and dusting shelves.
I started getting real about how I felt in regard to them going back to school and the truth is, I have been counting down the days. I want my house back. No more questions, no more aimless wandering and no more sweaty bodies lying around looking bored and seeking entertainment. The hours between 8am and 3pm are mine once again! I can smell the Mop & Glow and Windex. I will pack three lunches with special treats, and as they walk out the door towards the bus stop I’ll smile and wish them each a good day… and I’ll mean it.
When these kids are grown I will be thankful we all got through it and survived. I think I’ll look back on these years with a sigh of relief if they are able to take care of themselves with good moral values in spite of what we’ve put them through. I am worried, tired and a little bit scared most of the time. I don’t think this makes me a horrible person, nor do I think I am the minority for feeling this way.
I think the best years of my life will be seeing my children as thriving and happy adults. I look forward to that.
Lydia Eden-Irwin was raised in Gilroy. She has three children as part of a blended family. Her column is published each Wednesday. She can be reached at ed*****@*ol.com.
