So, your boss yelled at you, you had a fight with your husband and your kids are being jerks. Time to go shopping, right?
Wrong, according to local experts. Spending may feel good in the moment, but the high of “retail therapy” doesn’t last, and women – as well as men – who engage in it too often can find themselves in treacherous financial straights.
Most emotional spending stems from three feelings: being mad, sad or glad, according to Carmela Vignocchi, director of outreach and education for the community-based, non-profit Consumer Credit Counseling Service. The worst part is that most of the time shoppers don’t realize what they’re doing at the time.
“Everybody has those days when they’ve just had a lousy day and they’re driving home, and they find themselves at the mall,” said Vignocchi. “When you first notice it, you’re going, ‘How did I get here?’ That means you’re aware, and becoming aware is the first step in fixing it.”
Most emotional spenders are motivated in their purchases by personal problems, such as relationship or marriage difficulties and stressful family dynamics, according to Kim Shannon, a marriage and family therapist who practices in Morgan Hill. But another force behind emotional spending is actually positive emotion, said Vignocchi.
“The negative emotions get all the play, because you don’t usually think about rewarding yourself or being generous as a bad thing,” Vignocchi said. “A lot of people equate love with giving, but when we have this generousness of heart, we think about spending money.
“We want to express our love and care and good feelings for someone, and somehow we’ve Madison Avenue-d our feelings into the idea that buying is love.”
Instead of heading directly for the mall, Vignocchi suggested, lovebirds can celebrate their moods without hitting plastic. Try writing your loved one a special card, making up a picnic basket to share with them or burning a CD mix of their favorite songs, she said.
“Say you cut out 20 hearts on different colored paper and on each one, you write an attribute that just makes your heart sing,” Vignocchi said. “That means more than what you’re going to find at the mall.”
Sometimes, though, spending is more than emotional, said Shannon. The force to buy becomes so overwhelming that it’s actually a compulsive action, she said.
“If it goes farther into a disorder, where they have to shop, it might fall into obsessive behavior, instead,” said Shannon. “Medical assistance may include looking at medication that deals with compulsive disorders, not just choice-making.”
Compulsive shopping is more likely to occur in individuals with a family history of obsessive-compulsive disorder, said Shannon.
“I think what you look for in terms of needing help are extremes,” said Shannon. “If you have no more room in your house, just pathways, you’re in trouble.”
Maxed-out credit cards, marital conflict over spending and poor job performance can also be signs, said Shannon. Having poor savings habits, an unclear financial situation and a tendency to live on the edge can also be clues to impending financial distress, according to the Debtors Anonymous publication “Signs of Compulsive Debting.”
“If it’s starting to create problems in your life, in your day-to-day functions – like you can’t work because you’re shopping on the Internet all day – you need to seek treatment,” Shannon said.
People with less severe problems should work on breaking the cycle before they, too, get too far into debt, said Vignocchi.
“Start keeping a journal,” said Vignocchi. “It doesn’t have to be big – just a 3-by-5 piece of paper that you keep in your wallet or, better yet, wrap around your credit card. Answer these questions: ‘What are you feeling?’ and ‘Are you buying because of that feeling?’ Think about that before you put down the money.”
Work on re-wiring your routines, too, said Vignocchi. Try leaving your credit cards in the car when you visit the mall, or find alternate places, like the park or gym, to go when you’re feeling low, she said.
Are you in over your head?
Answer the following questions, provided by the 12-step debt relief program, Debtor’s Anonymous, to see if you might have a problem with compulsive spending.
1. Are your debts making your home life unhappy?
2. Does the pressure of your debts distract you from your daily work?
3. Are your debts affecting your reputation?
4. Do your debts cause you to think less of yourself?
5. Have you ever given false information in order to obtain credit?
6. Have you ever made unrealistic promises to your creditors?
7. Does the pressure of your debts make you careless of the welfare of your family?
8. Do you ever fear that your employer, family or friends will learn the extent of your total indebtedness?
9. When faced with a difficult financial situation, does the prospect of borrowing give you an inordinate feeling of relief?
10. Does the pressure of your debts cause you to have difficulty sleeping?
11. Has the pressure of your debts ever caused you to consider getting drunk?
12. Have you ever borrowed money without giving adequate consideration to the rate of interest you are required to pay?
13. Do you usually expect a negative response when you are subject to a credit investigation?
14. Have you ever developed a strict regimen for paying off your debts, only to break it under pressure?
15. Do you justify your debts by telling yourself that you are superior to the “other” people, and when you get your “break” you’ll be out of debt overnight?
Now, score yourself. If you answered “yes” to eight or more of these questions, you likely have a problem or soon will begin feeling the effects of compulsive debt, according to the group.
For a complete list of warning signs, visit www.debtorsanonymous.org/help/signs.htm, and if you would like to get help, contact the Northern California chapter of Debtor’s Anonymous. The chapter’s Web site is www.ncdaweb.org or call the information line at (415) 522-9099.
The San Jose DA meeting takes place from 7pm to 8:15pm on Thursdays at 1041 Morse St. in San Jose. For more information, call Holly at (408) 223-2033. Phone meetings are also available in the area. For a complete list of Northern California Meetings, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to P.O. Box 31224, San Francisco, Calif., 94131.
