On Father’s Day, dads everywhere get a round of applause. But
for some dads who are single, the challenges
– and rewards – are even greater
n By Kelly Savio Staff Writer
Wearing her pretty pink skirt and white top, 5-year-old Kayla Nanez does what is universally recognized as “the potty dance.” She has to go.
Kayla’s dad, Gene, sees the dance and takes her to the ladies restroom at the pizza parlor, watching as his daughter disappears inside. Standing at the door, he waits. When, at last, she reappears, Gene adjusts the skirt and shirt that are now askew, and then Kayla is off, running back to her friends.
Gene, 39, is a single dad with primary custody of his daughter, which means she lives with him at their Gilroy home about 90 percent of the time.
At a time when the general public is happy to stand up and cheer for single mothers, single fathers are often overlooked. But despite the challenges any single parent faces, single dads, like their female counterparts, get creative and make their situations work.
“It can be hard to be a single dad, but mostly it’s very rewarding,” Gene said, keeping one eye on his zealous daughter. “There are little things that are hard. There have been times when I’ve tried to make play dates for Kayla with other parents, and the moms think I’m hitting on them instead of just wanting my daughter to have interaction with other kids. I also worry about when the time comes for sleepovers. I don’t know if other parents will be uncomfortable with their girls coming over when it’s just a man in the house with the kids.”
Kayla said her favorite part about living with her daddy is playing with her daddy.
“We play hide and seek and we wrestle,” she said. “And we play ball.”
Gene, an avid sports fan, also plays dolls with his daughter and taught her to “jab, jab, punch” as well as “jab, jab, hook,” Kayla said, smiling. He also paints her finger and toe nails – at the pizza parlor they are a lovely shade of hot pink – and does her hair.
“I guess I’m really in touch with my feminine side,” Gene joked. “I like taking her shopping for clothes and shoes and putting together outfits for her.”
The hardest part of parenting, however, is not something exclusive to being a single dad, Gene said. The hardest part is being a working parent.
“It seems a lot of summer programs are geared toward stay-at-home parents,” he said. “They start in the middle of the morning or in the early afternoon, and I’m not home from work by that time to take Kayla to those kinds of things. But I want her to be involved. She’s done dance and soccer and we were hoping to put her in gymnastics, but we just couldn’t work out the times with my work schedule.”
Hollister resident Rick Perez said, like Gene, he also had a hard time arranging play dates for his 6-year-old son, Ricky, because some mothers take the invitation as flirtation.
“Another thing that was hard when I first got custody of Ricky was finding baby-changing stations,” he said. “I’d find a sign pointing toward a changing station and when I got there, it was in the women’s restroom.”
One major challenge Rick said he faced was finding a place for support and advice for single dads.
“There are a lot of programs for single moms, and women tend to all flock together and compare notes,” said Rick, 42. “They exchange tips, but men are like, ‘Oh, he lost a tooth, huh? Oh, OK, cool.’ That made it hard for me to learn some of the basics. Someone would say, ‘Oh, he’s cutting teeth.’ And I’d say, ‘Cutting teeth? Oh, you mean the teeth are coming out!’ A lot of times I felt like was way out in left field.”
Despite those challenges, Ricky said he liked living with his dad.
“We go out together, and we play with my toy boat,” Ricky said. “When I go out with my daddy, we go to the train store. I like getting ice cream, too. I get popsicles. He likes popsicles, too. Thumbs up!”
Ricky also said he liked it when his daddy reads him Thomas the Train books before bed and makes lasagna for dinner.
“I like football, too, and daddy takes me to see the Raiders,” Ricky said. “Raiders! Thumbs up again!”
Unlike Rick and Gene, Gilroy resident Jack Foley doesn’t have primary custody of his 14-year-old son, Mark. Currently, Jack sees his son every other weekend, for half of the summer and half of major holidays.
“It’s really hard to be a part-time father, and it’s hard to be the kind of dad you want to be when you can’t be around your child as much as you want,” said Jack, 58. “I’m a guy who thoroughly enjoys the heck out of his children, and to be away from them is hard. Very hard.”
Jack, communications and fund development manager for South County Housing, said he doesn’t let his custody situation take the joy out of fatherhood. Instead, he considers the time with his son precious and goes out of his way to make the most of it.
“We talk a lot when we’re together,” he said. “We discuss a lot of things. We talk about girls and the dos and don’ts of dating, we discuss honesty and respect, and what being a good person means. We laugh a lot and we have a good time. I have three other children who are all adults, so when I can get all four of my kids together with me, that’s the greatest.”
The hardest part for Jack about being a single dad, he said, is dealing with what he sees as a bias in courts toward mothers.
“I think it’s still presumed that kids are better off with their moms, but I think it has a profound negative impact on fathers and their kids when their relationship is artificially fractured that way,” Jack said. “I know that’s a broad brush stroke, and I know in some cases it really is better for kids to be with their moms. But, I’m fairly confident that I’m a good dad, I’ve got a good head on my shoulders, and I’ve tried to raise my kids the way I was raised. I’m pretty strict, but I always keep the best interest of my kids in mind.”
Research supports Jack’s concerns about an artificially fractured relationship between a parent and their children, said Dr. Viera Pablant, a psychologist based in Gilroy who specializes in divorce and custody issues.
“Courts are biased and will often give custody to the mother over the father, unless there is physical evidence of abuse or something like that,” she said. “But it’s very important for children to have the influence of both parents in their lives. One of the main reasons is modeling. A son needs to learn from the model of his father and a daughter learns from their mother. Then, the children need to learn how to relate to the opposite sex. A daughter will learn how to relate to men from her father and sons will learn to relate to women from their mothers. It’s all very complex, but relationships to both parents are critical. Children long for these relationships.”
If, for some reason, the other non-custodial parent cannot be part of a child’s life, such as when they live far away or are deceased, it’s very important to have a trusted friend help by playing a role in the child’s life, Pablant said.
Gene, whose ex-wife lives far away, understands the importance of having a female influence in Kayla’s life. He said he is grateful to have some very close female friends who have helped him and who he can count on to help him as his daughter gets older.
“I think a lot is made of maternal instincts,” Pablant said. “But men have instincts, too. Men and women are equally capable of being parents. Maybe some men don’t have strong instincts, but some women don’t have strong instincts, either. Maybe many men don’t get in touch with those instincts they way they get in touch with their macho instincts, but plenty of men manage to get in touch with both instincts. All parents need to recognize that if they want their children to turn out well, they need to give their children plenty of their time.”
