As parents, we all face the same challenges within ourselves to
find our inner strength when times are demanding, to have words of
wisdom ready to share and everlasting patience. A step parent or
divorced parent has another personal obstacle to overcome. It’s
respect.
As parents, we all face the same challenges within ourselves to find our inner strength when times are demanding, to have words of wisdom ready to share and everlasting patience. A step parent or divorced parent has another personal obstacle to overcome. It’s respect.
It is very difficult to respect a person you’ve divorced, I realize that. The respect I’m referring to is the relationship between your “Ex” and your child. There is a fine line between telling your child the truth and protecting them from it. You have to choose your words carefully.
Personally, I made a huge mistake that I feel badly about now. At the time, my intentions were to protect my daughter’s feelings. I didn’t show a lack of respect toward her relationship with her father, in fact I did the opposite. My daughter’s father has his own busy life. He doesn’t live locally. When she was little she would ask me, “Mommy, why hasn’t Daddy called?” I would always answer, “He must be working so hard and I know he misses you, too, he’ll probably call soon.”
It was a flat out lie. The truth was I didn’t know where he was or what he was doing. After she went to bed, I would track him down and tell him he needed to call his daughter. He would call the next day and she would be elated! Problem solved.
The flaw with this was that there came a day when there was a conflict between him and me and I made a decision not to be the glue that bonded their relationship anymore. My daughter was 13 by this time. The next two years were very difficult for her when the reality of the situation unfolded. She felt rejected and confused.
The problem then evolved into deciding what she should know. How was I to explain why he had abruptly stopped calling? All I could do was tell her how sorry I was and try to explain what I had done without slandering him. That was a very difficult conversation and she was angry about it all the way around. Being 13, she was already facing a lot of new realities socially. This just compounded things.
What could I have told her during those tender young years without hurting her? Was it appropriate to release myself of this “job” just because of the conflict I had with him? I’ll never know. I thought I did the right thing at the time, but the reality of it was that I over promoted her relationship with an under-involved participant. The good news is that they have worked things out together and manage their relationship quite nicely now without me.
Just imagine all of this drama on top of your everyday life. It’s typical in a blended household to deal with this kind of issue on a regular basis. No decision is simple. Every conversation regarding the absent parent must be thoroughly thought out and sensitive to the ears of the children.
Some families are facing issues with parents who do the opposite of what I did. Some divorced people intentionally make disparaging remarks about the other parent in front of the children. They literally sabotage a child’s relationship with their other parent. This is emotionally damaging to the children on so many levels. Children love both of their parents regardless of why they divorced each other, and they should have the right to. The people who are guilty of this kind of sabotage are only going to find that the result it bears will be catastrophic. Not to the person they defame, but to their own relationship with their child.
When my stepchildren first came to live with me, I never considered their relationship with their mother. They went to visit her and then they came home. I though staying out of it would be best. Out of the blue it occurred to me that if I helped them to show their love for her, it would make THEM happy. It was really a “duh” moment. I was so busy becoming a parent to them that I didn’t think about it. Now I help them buy holiday cards and acknowledge certain days and events. I set them up with email accounts to they can communicate anytime. I respect their love for their mother … and they love me for that.
Lydia Eden-Irwin and her husband were both raised in Gilroy. Thay have three kids collectively and have spent the past four years meeing the challenges of blending two broken households into one great family. Lydia can be reached at ed*****@*ol.com.
