Veronica ran from her abusive relationship nearly nine months
ago, but the battle didn’t end when she left her home. Her
3-year-old son strikes out in anger, using his fists to express
anger just the way his father did. And the court system looms large
in her mind, casting a shadow on the future she’s worked so hard to
build for herself since she decided it was time to leave the past
behind.
Veronica ran from her abusive relationship nearly nine months ago, but the battle didn’t end when she left her home. Her 3-year-old son strikes out in anger, using his fists to express anger just the way his father did. And the court system looms large in her mind, casting a shadow on the future she’s worked so hard to build for herself since she decided it was time to leave the past behind.
The now-single mom is has gone back to school – she’s currently carrying 22 units – and working toward writing a book, but most of her time, she says, is sucked up by the court system.
“I knew I had to get out, so I did,” said Veronica, a Gilroy resident. “And yet in court I get attacked, and it’s like it’s my fault. My ex makes me out to be a terrible person and yet his lawyers come over to my house and ask me to come and testify for him so he won’t get in as much trouble. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming.”
Domestic violence is a silent dilemma in the United States. While the average number of reported abuse cases in San Benito County was down in 2004, there were still 202 reports of domestic abuse filed with the county’s Victim Witness office.
By comparison, 236 such reports were filed in Gilroy and 116 in Morgan Hill in the year 2000, the last year for which statistics were available in Santa Clara County.
These victims represent only a percentage of actual abuse victims, who may fear coming forward for a variety of reasons, from cultural barriers that tell them it’s inappropriate to discuss the problem with a non-family member to fears of being left alone or fears that the abusive spouse will harm their children or leave them destitute.
Immigration status is also another major deterrent to reporting abuse in the South Valley, said Perla Flores, assistant program director for Community Solutions in Morgan Hill.
“I think that, given the geographic area we serve, about 30 to 35 percent of the clients (in our confidential shelter) are mono-lingual, non-documented immigrant victims,” said Flores. “In those cases, the issue of their legal status is what’s used to maintain their presence in the relationship. When you’re a U.S. resident you obviously have access to legal assistance.”
Illegal immigrants are especially vulnerable to these sorts of situations because they are not only in the country without permission, but they are often isolated, far from home and distrustful of outsiders because of their immigration status.
Abuse does not discriminate, though, said Flores, who has seen women from illiterate farm workers to doctors and Ph.D.s pass through the shelter’s doors.
But the true injustice of the system, she said, is the fact that victims are often re-victimized when they seek help, forced to move from their homes, seek shelter with strangers and start over with the assumption of complicity already stacked against them.
“(There’s the misconception) that women enjoy being abused because they can just pick up and leave at any time, and there’s so much protection from law enforcement here,” said Flores. “A lot of people think that, if they stay, it must be because they want to.”
Others mistakenly think the nightmare is over once a woman or, less frequently, a man has left the home of his or her aggressor.
Veronica said the people she knows don’t understand that, while the bruises are gone, much of her pain is the emotional residue of a relationship she’ll regret for a lifetime.
“I really went out of my way (to get away from my ex), and I’ve really decided it’s time to see a change,” Veronica said shakily. She’s silent for a moment, then stifles a long sob. “Sorry. There’s just a better way to live life. And it’s been a really hard experience.”
Veronica is currently battling for more than her own freedom. Allowing your children to witness violence is grounds for their removal by Child Protective Services and, like many other mothers who have stayed in abusive relationships too long, she is threatened with the loss of her children now that she has come forward.
Despite the risk of losing her children, Veronica said she wouldn’t go back on her decision. She said she had learned there was too much more to life, but before women like her can get to that point, they often need immediate help, and county services are available to do just that.
At Victim Witness in Hollister, Program Coordinator Katie Fancher has helped battered women, men and children as well as the victims of other crimes for 18 years.
“First, we establish if the victim needs immediate medical attention, whether the victim needs to first go to a safe place,” said Fancher. “Sometimes they call and the perpetrator is still right there in the house or right there with them.”
Once staff members know victims are safe, they are able to question them and see what type of services are most appropriate. Victims can apply for everything from financial assistance in paying emergency room, hospitalization and relocation costs to help with determining child custody and restraining orders that bar their aggressors from coming near them by law.
These documents are a common means of deterring contact between an aggressor and his or her victim, said Fancher. Indeed, the use of restraining orders has skyrocketed in the last decade, from 159 issued in Santa Clara County in 1993 to 1,866 issued in the year 2000, according to the Santa Clara County Domestic Violence Council. At the same time, the number of reported domestic violence cases has steadily declined since 1995, according to the Santa Clara County District Attorney’s office.
Whomever a victim reaches out to first, the response they receive can dictate whether or not they will press a claim then, or ever, said Flores.
“If I’m calling the police, and they don’t take it seriously, or I’m calling a hot-line and the person on the other end of the line is coming across as apathetic, that may give me the view that nobody cares, and I may not call other services in the future,” she said.
If friends, relatives or health-care workers suspect abuse in a family, they should be particularly careful of asking judgment-laden questions of victims, said Lucy Berliner director of the Harborview Child Traumatic Stress Program, a nationally recognized therapy program at the University of Washington.
Instead of telling a friend that she needs to leave her relationship or laying a guilt trip on her for not getting out of the home, Berliner suggests asking questions like these:
n Is there anything you want to tell me? I’ve noticed that …
n Has someone hit you or hurt you recently? I saw …
n Are you okay? It looks like you have a bruise on your cheek.
If the person does admit to a problem, attempt to make any response even as well, said Berliner.
“Say something like, ‘I think it’s wrong. Nobody deserves to be treated that way, but I can understand. After all, he is the father of your children,'” she said. “If friends or relatives only communicate the action they want to see take place, that can shut down the process. Not everyone wants to leave right away.”
However, initiating an honest dialog about domestic abuse will allow your loved one to see that there are people out there who care, said Berliner.
“It’s a very tough thing because people aren’t sure if they’re intruding or being too personal, but, for the person who is in the violent relationship, that might be one of the most important ways of opening a door,” she said.
In the time being, survivors like Veronica continue to push toward a normal life.
Veronica is working toward a degree in business and psychology, fighting for the right to raise her son and working on her book. She dreams of one day helping other victims to find a safe path.
“If I help one more person, that’s what I wanted to do in my life,” she said. “I know there’s more that I can do.”
Getting help
If you are a victim in need of immediate help, call (831) 637-SAFE in Hollister or (408) 683-4118 in Gilroy and Morgan Hill for 24-hour crisis support. For assistance or support, victims may also call Hollister’s Victim Witness at (831) 634-1397.
For emergency assistance during non-court hours such as nights, weekends and holidays, call 911 in the city where the incident occurred and request an emergency protective order.
