“Don’t mention my birthday to my daughters. They’re too busy.” I was genuinely puzzled by this request years ago when I first started working at Live Oak Adult Day Services. I had asked one of our seniors how her family was going to celebrate her birthday that evening.
“But it’s your birthday. Of course they’ll want to celebrate with you,” I insisted naively. She was certain that they simply did not have time to remember and she was not about to remind them. “I don’t want to be a burden,” was her final word on the matter.
“I don’t want to be a burden” is a refrain I have often heard here at Live Oak. It saddens me. The comment seems too self-effacing, even for this generation that believes in hard work and pulling one’s own weight. When I first heard the seniors here saying it, I was a much younger woman, busy raising two active boys who were involved in sports and school activities. My extended family enthusiastically showed up to cheer them on. It seemed like it would always be that way.
Now my kids are grown and out on their own. I became aware in the past year or so that when we phone each other I try not to take too much of their time. “They’re so busy,” I tell myself, even as I tell them some corny joke-of-the-day from Live Oak or go on and on about the book I’m currently reading.
I finally told my sons that I find myself watching the clock so I don’t keep them talking or texting too long. Happily, they told me to knock it off. “We’ll tell you if you get on our nerves,” they laughed.
I think communicating my fear was key. I talked this over with some of the seniors at Live Oak the other day. Several instantly related to the feeling of not wanting to be a burden to their families. They don’t want to lose all their abilities, their place in the family as someone who can participate and be respected. To feel the regard of their loved ones truly matters. Many took care of their own parents or in-laws. It is hard for some to be on the receiving end.
I was heartened by the assertiveness of a few of the women. “If my daughter ever made me feel like a burden, I’d set her straight, believe you me,” Mary laughed. “I’m tougher than she is.” I suspect she’s right about that. Libby was visibly shocked by the idea that some people fear being a burden. “Why would they think that about themselves?” she wondered. When pressed, she said that families are supposed to be there for each other, and each generation takes care of the next. She had a “snap out of it” bit of advice for those who feel otherwise, saying, “go for a walk, or get something to eat, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
If you help care for a mom or dad or other relative, ask them how it feels to be helped. Did they also take care of a family member and, if so, what was that experience like? Was it an obligation, an act of love, a frustration or, hopefully, something to be proud of?
Cheryl Huguenor is the program director at Live Oak Adult Day Services, 651 W. Sixth St. #2, Gilroy. For more information about Live Oak call (408) 847-5491 or go to liveoakadultdaycare.org.
