Before I had a child, shopping was my favorite sport. Even when
Junior was little I loved to spend a day at the outlets, just
wandering around. But then Junior got older and Back to School
shopping entered my life and now shopping just isn’t as fun.
Before I had a child, shopping was my favorite sport. Even when Junior was little I loved to spend a day at the outlets, just wandering around. But then Junior got older and Back to School shopping entered my life and now shopping just isn’t as fun.
Take a few weeks ago, for example. Junior and I braved the crowds to spend two horrifying days at the outlets picking up a few things for school.
DAY ONE
9:55am – Get into car. Have first argument of the day over which radio station to listen to on the drive to the outlets – a 5-minute trip. By the time we park in front of the No Fear store, I have ended the argument by turning the darned radio to classical music – which both of us hate.
10:02am – Have second argument of the day over whether to go to the No Fear store first or go to the Vans store to buy shoes. I vote for No Fear and I win because I have the checkbook.
10:20am – Have third argument of the day over whether a T-shirt with a naked woman silhouette is appropriate for a sixth-grader to wear. Again, I win because I have the checkbook and I won’t buy it.
10:22am – Have fourth argument of the day over whether I am allowed in dressing room while Junior tries on shorts and shirts. I lose. No checkbooks were involved in this disagreement so my bargaining power was greatly diminished. Also I have a throbbing headache forming right between my eyes, so I can’t yell.
10:32am – I hear a strange noise coming from the dressing room. It sounds like a play station portable being played. Turns out Junior forgot to lock the dressing room, so I get inside and quickly realize that my son hasn’t tried on a single item of clothing, but is progressing nicely on his “Need for Speed” game. No more lonely dressing rooms for Junior.
11:00am – Leave No Fear and move on to the shoe store.
12:30pm – Still in shoe store. My son has inherited my love for shoes and can’t decide between three pairs of Vans. Honestly, they all look alike to me; they’re black with some sort of skulls on them.
12:32pm – Junior makes choice because checkbook and I are leaving the store.
1:30pm – After lunch, we head out to various other trendy stores to try on what seems to be an endless number of shorts and shirts. By the final store, I manage not to cry out “for Pete’s sake, who spends $40 on a pair of shorts,” because Junior says I’m embarrassing him.
4pm – While I’m paying for yet another pair of $40 shorts, Junior manages to escape and run into Vans store.
4:02pm – Junior ends up with two more pairs of shoes, not one of which can be used at PE. Truthfully, I’m tired, poor and sick of smelling feet so I just give in.
And that was just the first day. By day two of Back to School shopping, I was cranky, my checkbook was empty and I’d moved onto the credit cards. But we managed to get PE shoes, binders, paper and enough pencils for 50 students. After shopping, I added up the total spent and realized that in two days I spent the equivalent of the gross national product of a developing third-world country on shorts, skull T-shirts and pencils. I felt kind of sick and my headache caused me to be temporarily blind.
But that’s nothing compared to the fifth day of school. That’s the day Junior tried to get dressed, only to discover that he’d already outgrown all of his shorts, had lost every single one of his pencils and still needed one more binder and three book covers. Outlets, here we come.
