Coming from a family where calling 911 meant there was a fire or an accident, it never dawned on me that one day I would be faced with subjecting my 5-year-old to having the police retrieve her from her father’s house. The idea that this could be “normal” for her made me ill. Sometimes I guess a person just has to make decisions that really stink during a divorce or custody battle. When you get in a pickle and both options are the worst-case scenario, you do what you have to do.
About 10 years ago, when my daughter was 5, her father lived in the east Bay Area. He picked her up for a visitation weekend ,and it had been months since he saw her last.
He was supposed to bring her back to Gilroy, because I had driven all the way to his house to drop her off. I received a phone call shortly before her expected return stating that he had been drinking and felt it was unsafe to drive and I should come and get her.
I think he thought this was the responsible thing to do. I agree – it is a responsible decision not to drink and drive – but my first thought was, “you haven’t seen your daughter in months and when you get her, you get drunk?” Where is the responsibility in that? I was livid to say the least. So at this point I realized that if I let this happen with no consequence, he’d likely do it again. I also felt I should document this event for future court purposes if this is what’s going on when she goes to his house.
The only way to document this situation would be to call the police and report that he was refusing to return her and that he was drunk. I had to weigh this decision carefully. I already know how he feels about authority, and I am very familiar with his explosive temper. Would the police removing her from the home (with me onsite to receive her) be more or less traumatic than allowing this kind of behavior to take place when she was there for a visit? Which was worse? Sending her to visit people who are partying or have the police come, seeing her parents fight and possibly watching her dad getting arrested? I didn’t want her to fear the police, or worse, think this was a “normal” thing for people to do to one another.
A person can complain about a lot of things in court, but if you don’t have documentation to back up what you say, don’t bother saying it. This I know.
After careful consideration, I opted for calling the police, hoping this would prevent future incidents such as this one. I felt that it was better to get this situation documented with police records than knowingly send her into this kind of environment again.
When the police arrived, it went Jerry Springer on me. He yelled disrespectfully at the police (in front of our daughter) and he barked at my daughter to stay in the house. He cussed me out, etc.
I waited for an opportunity to get my daughter’s attention. When the police began to question him and try to calm him down, I motioned to my daughter to come to me and out of the garage she came running! I scooped her up and put her in my car. She didn’t go back to that house again. We had joint physical and legal custody, which means the police could not have forced him to return her to me. He could have kept her until a future court date determined where she should be. The whole scene was beyond ugly and incredibly embarrassing. This is not how I was raised and not how I envisioned raising my daughter.
It’s just another one of those things that some divorced people go through unbeknownst to a world of happy, non-dramatic families, like the one I had growing up. Luckily, my daughter was not traumatized and my ex got over it in time.
Do I regret calling 911? No, I don’t. I did what I thought I had to do.
Lydia Eden-Irwin and her husband were both raised in Gilroy. They have three kids collectively and have spent the past four years meeting the challenges of blending two broken households into one great family. Lydia can be reached at ed*****@*ol.com
