From the Edge
If I happened to buy my television at the dollar store and it only picked up one station of my choice, I’m sure I would choose ESPN.
I want to make that very clear. Like all sports junkies, the network simply runs through my veins.
On a occasion, though, those veins do pop.
It’s usually when the Bristol boys get too gimmicky or too full of themselves – which seems to be happening quite often as of late.
Even if you watch ESPN only occasionally, you know their games.
So let’s play one …
Fact or fiction? We need more “fact or fiction” segments on Sportscenter.
FICTION: If you’ve ever seen – and I’m not sure how you would’ve missed it – the forced NFL debate between Sean Salisbury and that geek John Clayton, you know what I’m talking about. And ESPN insists on doing this for every sport.
Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing, guys. I don’t think we need to debate over who is the best reserve power forward in the NBA’s Pacific division.
Fact or fiction? After complaining about the overabundance of “fact or fiction,” I will use that gimmick for the rest of my column to complain about a few other annoyances I have with ESPN.
FACT: Hey, what can I say?
Fact or fiction? There’s a need to show poker 23 hours a day, because it’s clearly a thrill to watch.
FICTION: On ESPN and ESPN2, it’s become the new World’s Strongest Man Competition. Is there ever a time when it’s not on? Can we get an offseason here, please?
Don’t get me wrong … playing the game is good stuff. My friends and I even had a poker table our last year of college. But tell me again when this became a sport? When did it become must-see TV?
And did I really just see a poker story on Sportscenter? Did that really just happen?
Fact or fiction? The network constantly force-feeding us the WNBA is a necessary form of gender equity.
FICTION: It’s just annoying.
Fact or fiction? There are now only 17 people in the world who don’t know ESPN is celebrating its 25th anniversary.
FICTION: There are only 12. Honestly guys, we get it. You turned 25. You’ve meant a lot to sports and to television in general. Heck, you’ve meant a lot to us. But really, do we need to hear about it every single day?
I’m a huge fan of sports history, but I’m even growing a little tired of these “Top 25 left-handed hockey players of the ESPN Era” shows. There were sports being played before 1979, fellas.
Fact or fiction? The ticker at the bottom of the screen is a great way to find your team’s score.
FACT: As long as you have an hour or so of free time, you should be fine. You’re especially in luck on fall Saturdays, when you’re able to view every single Division III result, along with Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit’s picks in the Tulane-Rice game.
Fact or fiction? Young people love Stuart Scott. He’s a really hip dude.
FICTION: Young people do not love Stuart Scott. He’s not a really hip dude. So stop trying to be funny, Stu. You’re not. Stop talking about North Carolina. We don’t care.
And stop making up phrases that no one else – white, black, brown, aqua – understands. We don’t want your stand-up. We just want our Tigers-Royals highlights.
Is that really too much to ask?
Fact or fiction? Now that Chris Berman, on the other hand, is one funny guy.
FICTION: He’s irritating, too. I’m sorry, but the act has just grown tired. If only we could go back, back, back to 1983, when his never-changing comedy routine wasn’t 25 years old.
Fact or fiction? ESPN makes movies now.
FACT: Although I’ve never actually seen any commercials for these movies, I’m pretty sure this is true. I think the first one was on Bobby Knight. The second one was possibly about Bear Bryant. I think there’s a chance the current one is a piece on Pete Rose.
Again, though, I’m not completely sure. I haven’t seen ANY commercials on this matter.
Fact or fiction? After all this ranting, I think I’m going to boycott ESPN for at least three hours.
FICTION: You kidding me? Not a chance.
Brett Edgerton is a columunist for South Valley Newspapers. He can be reached at (408) 842-6400 ext. 218 or at be*******@************ch.com.
