I seriously do not understand football. Oh, I’ve tried. I’ve sat
through interminably long games, staring at my TV, wishing it were
over so I could go do something fun, like get my gums scraped.
I seriously do not understand football. Oh, I’ve tried. I’ve sat through interminably long games, staring at my TV, wishing it were over so I could go do something fun, like get my gums scraped.
But with Super Bowl Sunday this weekend, I decided to try to understand this game. And after 10 minutes of intense, nose-to-the-grindstone research, I figured out the basics.
When the game begins a bunch of very large men covered in bulky pads and helmets stand on a field in four rows – two for each team. As I understand it, they have to stay lined up or a much smaller man in an unflattering zebra suit throws a yellow hanky at them.
But a couple of the men are allowed to run around the rows, looking like they have ants in their pants. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s some sort of ancient caveman intimidation ritual.
Anyway, after the ants-in-the-pants guys settle down, one of the players – the one with the ball – yells out a phone number or something, followed by the words “hut, hut, hike” which is secret football-dude code for “look, I’m throwing the ball, now everybody run around and try to jump on each other.”
Once the big guys are all trying to attack one another, the guy with the ball throws it to another guy, who then tries to run all the way up the field for something called a touchdown. Now all the time this guy is running like heck, the big guys are chasing him and trying to dog pile him – which is probably why the running guy runs really, really fast.
Now, if the running guy truly is really, really fast, he makes it to the end of the field to a place called “the land where touchdowns occur.” It might have a shorter name, but I don’t remember it. In any event, once the running guy gets there, he has to do three things in order to score.
1. He has to throw the football down so it bounces on its pointy end.
2. He has to dance around to tease the players who tried to dog pile him but couldn’t.
3. He has to turn to the cameras and say “hi, mom.” Doing so makes his team score a bunch of points – I don’t know how many, I just know it’s more than one. I think maybe the team gets extra points if the dance is really unique – but again, I’m not sure about that.
After the touchdown is scored, the team gets to try for even more points by calling out their kicker. The kicker runs onto the field and tries to kick the little pigskin through two poles – which is why he’s called “the kicker.” If the ball makes it through the poles, everybody cheers, but curiously, nobody dances – not even the kicker guy, who frankly, looks like the best dancer in the bunch.
Now, you would think that with all this running and dancing and dog piling, that the game would last for, oh, 10 minutes tops. No way. Football games are divided into something called “quarters.” There are four quarters in each game and each quarter lasts 15 minutes.
And they are the longest 15 minutes in history.
You see, football is the only game on earth that has the power to manipulate time. In football, time can be stopped. It can be turned back. And it can drag on for days – or at least hours. I honestly believe that the guy who invented football had no concept of time. It just didn’t exist for him. I mean, where else can 15 minutes manage to last for an hour?
So it takes about four days to play the average football game. Of course, during that time, the people watching get very hungry, so there is a rule that we have to eat vast quantities of chips and chicken wings and drink lots of beer. Oh, and every time your team scores, you have to jump up and yell “hoo-hah” at the top of your lungs.
And that, in a nutshell, is the game of football. Oh sure, there are other rules like point conversions and fumbles and stuff like that – but as long as you understand these basics, you’ll be able to enjoy a multi-day event like the Super Bowl.
Or you can do what I do on Super Bowl Sunday – go shoe shopping. Now that’s a sport I can understand.
